I must have written 10 letters, emails, possible texts and I have delete or ripped up and throw away every one. Nothing seems to satisfy my heart as much as if I could just sit down with you and look into your eyes, the eyes I feel I wouldn’t even recognize at this point. I’ve tried countess times to record a video for youtube on the “tips & tricks on how to get over a break up” i’ve even edited them just to erase them. Before I go to put it live i think..why would I upload an advice video when I do everything I say not to.
I can’t find the right words nor emotions to write a post that i’m actually happy with. It’s either full of anger or written at my lowest. It’s almost two months in and I might be occupied now more with my new job and new apartment but the pain is the same as day one. If not worse because as the days go on it reminds me that reality is my present and you aren’t coming back. I have to come to terms with these things. So i’ll write a letter to you that you’ll never open but at least for my sake and sanity can be out in the same world you’re in.
I stood beside you and loved you as fiercely as I could for a person that was constantly betrayed. I know I failed many days and our nights were usually long and sleepless because of my insecurity but I never had that weak side until you brought it out of me. I trusted you when time after time you showed me not to. I loved on you every single time after our long talks of if our relationship was worth fighting for. Vulnerably giving you chance after chance when I had no reason to. Everyone saw the fire I was just to lost in the smoke to see it. Keeping everything a secret from friends and family for the sake of your identity in their eyes, causing most of my tears unaccounted for because they were shed in the dark where nobody could see them. I want to believe all that was said was worth hearing & all that was said was truth. Every act of yours since our time apart has showed me otherwise. At least the ones i’ve been able to see. I hid you from my new life, in order for there to be no competition or pain in seeing what one another were doing. You on the other hand had other motives, causing me to not only involve myself but my friends and family.
You see I did things out of loneliness & you did things out of spite & that’s not love. I can’t change your heart, I could alter your mind into thinking you were a different person but you aren’t. You see a man without a vision for his future, always returns to his past. Baby, you aren’t fooling me. The second our relationship became something in the past you reverted back to your old ways. That shows so much, but for me it’s disappointing. We had talks dont you remember? About how if we ever could bare to be apart you would keep up with the places you were headed. Are you honestly where you want to be? Spending money on entertainment and earthly fillers but at twenty two don’t you want a career? A place to call your own. At least that’s what you used to talk to me about, late at night when we were wrapped in each others arms. You depleted a love & promises after a week of ending who we were. From then I lost more than a love, I lost my best friend. I still don’t know which ones hurts more.So many firsts I gave you that i’ll never regret. What I do regret though, is always only being your second. For everything, if it wasn’t someone else before me it was yourself. I’ll never forget you, as if this world would let me. Every street sign lately has had your last name on it, ever sip of beer lingers your taste, every black & mild lit, every Marriott I pass by. I’ve moved and i’m always finding a letter or a card, pictures. My head runs constantly.
I’ve seen you cry, i’ve seen you look at me like you were in love so I have to stop telling myself i meant nothing to you. Sometimes I just think I was just convenient in your life at the time. Can you blame me? I was your car rides, and lunch dates, I made sure you were babied to no end when you were over, I would rather splurge on you than myself and even after being worried about you all day and getting a call from your mom telling me where you were I was with you that night to let you know you’d be ok. . Look at me, anonymously writing and still keeping your secrets.You on the other hand missed my graduation, I couldn’t see you on New Years, You never could just pack up and come and see me when I had a bad day. I know your prideful and so am I. My walls though have crumbled, because i’ve learned it won’t get me anywhere. I have to set my pride aside and feel my feelings, and feel them publicly because hiding them and having them build up isn’t going to help. I dont need a new hair cut or a new life. I don’t need to post all these stupid pictures of how happy I am, because that’s not going to help. It’s not going to help me move on and it’s not going to help me cope. I’m aware of my emotions and i’m glad my surroundings are as well. They know I don’t want to hear what you are doing and they know if my eyes are heavy to not ask why. I’ve spent a year and a half building up bearers and making sure i don’t color outside the lines. Trying to not make you mad, not talking to certain people, keeping our relationship together and learning to over look the secrets, fighting so we could have another day but it’s exhausting and I hope you don’t wear yourself out trying to fool the people around you that you’re fine. Because I know that’s what you are doing. I know you don’t want to be looked at as a failure. Now with your relationship broken what do you have left to prove and make you look like you aren’t following the same path as what you were brought up by. You can do that by finding yourself and not morphing into who ever you’re standing next to wants you to be.
Everyone can fill my ears with what you are and who you are and how I’m better off without you but I know you and I know our good times. That’s the problem with break ups, you only tell everyone your issues but they never hear about the times we danced to no end in the middle of the night to some stupid remixed childs music, or how we were perfectly fine with looking into each others eyes on a romantic Valentines night at steak n shake. They don’t know the secrets, or the times we spent in a tent made out of blankets watching movies and getting drunk. They don’t know about the many adventures at Disney catching rides and filming videos. They just don’t know. We know, and so when you are putting up your “new man” walls of why i meant nothing to your life remember that one time I had no bathing suit so I slipped on one of your big T-shirt at maybe 1am and we jumped over the pool fence and swam all night or the mornings you watch me put on my make up before I went to work when you could have stayed sleeping. Remember the night you acted tough and punched a hole in the wall and then fell asleep with my winter hat on…remember these times.
We shouldn’t have so much hate and anger, it’s not healthy for a relationship that holds maybe a lot of wrongs but at least a handful of rights. I didn’t mean to end it like that, and I can’t explain to you the nights i’ve been haunted by the thought of if i hadn’t done this or done that. Not only when i’m awake but when i’m asleep. In dreams I relive us as lovers, I relive our break up, i dream of you running back to me and i’ve dreamed of when you’ve moved on to another girl. Look doll, it’s only been 2 months but i’ve tried to find comfort in a couple of guys and each time i’m reminded of you. I hope it fades but i’m fearful it will only just get easier to deal with. I saw it coming, maybe we both did but I didn’t think the last time I saw you would be the last I would ever see you again. That’s the uncertainty about life, you just never know.
So love, I wish you the best in all your endeavors. I wish for you that the next time you fall in love it comes at the right time. You’re very strong and kind, remember that. I let you in when I knew what the results would be so I take responsibility. I should have been strong enough to let you go earlier. I will never forget the intensity of our friendship & love but I long to forget the pain. Please know I don’t blame you for everything. I am very aware of both of our wrong doings. We were not fair to each other in the slightest bit & what we thought could so oppositely attract we failed to see the reality of. This letter is so much longer than I thought and yet I could go on but i’ll leave it at this; I love you.
your past lover