I hate you….
Hate is such a strong word but I don’t know how else to describe how I feel about you. I used to love you, perhaps deep down I still do. But right now? Right now, in this moment I hate you. I hate the fact that you cheated on me, on Christmas eve, in my pool, with my lesbian housemate – my sister’s best friend, while I was upstairs asleep and my parents were staying over. What the fuck were you thinking? You said you were drunk, but I have seen you a lot more drunk than that night. Remember that night that I held your hair back for you several times while you vomited repeatedly telling me how much you love me? How much you don’t deserve me, how you weren’t good enough for me? I never used to believe that you weren’t good for enough for me, but now I 100% believe that you are most definitely not good enough for me.
The last few days I have cried and moped around my house constantly thinking “why?”. I know that things hadn’t been good for us, and that we often fought, but at the end of the day I still fucking loved you. I knew that deep down something wasn’t right about our relationship. I didn’t want to question it, I didn’t want to believe it or think about it, I just went with the flow, and focused on how much we loved each other.
I think it all really began with my house warming. You were nervous about meeting my friends and about fitting in. I thought the housewarming went well, except for “Sarah” and “Darren’s” shit, which to be honest, everyone knows that the two of them are judgmental and that’s why they never get invited to anything that “Lucy” or “Kelly” put on, and because no one can stand them. After that night of my housewarming and I mentioned what “Darren” and “Sarah” had said, you got really offended and defensive, which I get. I would have too, and to be honest I was upset about what they had said, and my relationship with them will never be the same. But ever since that night you have dissed my friends and not had any real interest in wanting to try with my friends. Then came the night of Lucy’s birthday. Alcohol was very much involved in our fight, and I think our insecurities came pouring out that night. I will never forget the way you emotionally abused me. You were once again going on about how my friends don’t like you and how you weren’t good enough for me, and I had had enough, I remember pushing on your chest and telling you to stop it. I shouldn’t have pushed on your chest, I’m sorry for that. I stormed off because I couldn’t handle what you were saying. I turned around to see where you were, and you weren’t behind me. I burst into tears and kept walking. I walked past a church service, in a huge catholic church and walked in. I was drunk, stupid and feeling like shit. I took in the surrounds of the service and architecture of the church and just lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably and some woman took me aside and held my hand. 20 minutes later I got myself together and left. Looked at my phone and the string of messages you had sent me, claiming that I had walked off with someone else, that you wished me luck and that I was an amazing human and deserved all the best. I finally made it back to your place, you were reluctant to let me in, but when you did you laid into me and were aggressive and emotionally abusive. I remember slumping to the floor and crying with deep heaving sobs, I couldn’t believe how you were behaving, this was our first huge fight and we had hardly been together that long. The next morning you were apologetic and told me how worried you were about losing me and that you were so sorry. I accepted your apology and we made up……… but ever since that night things just turned to shit time and time again.
The time I went out on the town with “Jacinta” and Rose and you accused me of lying to you because of Jacinta’s fb post about her xmas party? I couldn’t believe how unrational you were? You must have been seriously fucked over by a previous woman, because the shit that you texted me was ridiculous, I remember just sitting there staring at my phone with my mouth wide open, I couldn’t believe what you were accusing me of.
I have known for quite some time that things weren’t going to work out between us. I wanted them to, I desperately wanted them too. I didn’t give a shit that you didn’t earn that much money or that you were different to me. I fell in love with you hard, and I wanted a future with you, but these constant disagreements and shit fights over stupid things were clear indicators to me that this wasn’t going to work out.
I hated your online social media presence. I know you think I’m paranoid and I’m crazy but I obsessively stalked who you were liking and following. I know that shit is all on me and that is my own insecurities. I hated you kept liking half naked pictures of all these girls you knew, how they would comment on your pics about how gorgeous you are. You put up hardly any pictures of me, your relationship status said you were “divorced”, you hardly interacted with me on social media. Perhaps my paranoid delusions of you wanting to appear single on social media manifested into what happened. Well at least all your instababes and the girls who love you on social media will be happy to know that your available and single, not that anyone really knew you were taken anyway.
It also makes me think about the msg conversations you were having through Facebook and Instagram. Jacinta screen shot the conversation you guys had, and I wholeheartedly believe that you are a huge flirt online, the constant stream of msgs that would pop up on your phone gave me this niggling feeling in the back of my head.
Perhaps you fucking my housemate in my pool was a blessing in disguise. I fucking hurt so bad, but perhaps this was for the best. I know in time I will get over you. The next few months are going to be shit. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to Jacinta properly. She hasn’t been home, and I have a horrible feeling that she will say she is moving out, which fucking sucks, because it’s just going to add more stress to my life with trying to find someone to rent that room. So now I have to deal with that, and deal with my sister losing her friend. I’m not saying this is all your fault, it’s fucking Jacinta’s fault as well, but I still maintain that you weren’t as drunk as what you say you were. I remember you coming to bed, you didn’t seem out of it, you didn’t reek of alcohol. I have seen you at your worst drunk, and you were nowhere near that.
Perhaps you wanted to self-sabotage. Maybe your deep-rooted insecurities and feelings about yourself, raised their ugly head and you went with your gut instinct. It kills me that you also kissed her in the kitchen. Did that happen before or after the fucking? You came into my room that night got changed and went back downstairs. You told me that you and she were having a deep and meaningful, you told me she was telling you that you don’t deserve me and that I’m so amazing… blah blah blah….. maybe the both of you have fucked up issues and that was your way of resolving them. Did you enjoy your fuck and make out session with her? Did you enjoy grabbing a big handful of her fat tits, and her fat stomach and wobbly thighs? Did you like kissing her acne ridden face? Was I not enough for you? Was my beautiful face not good enough for you to kiss? Were my perfect perky natural tits not enough for you to grab and grope? What about my pert ass that you loved so much? I hope you have the memory of our sex and my naked body burned into your brain because you will never find another woman like me.
Have you deleted those pictures and sex videos of us? I hope so because there is no point hanging onto them and reminiscing, you don’t deserve to keep those intimate moments of us.
I hope you tell your family, friends, and colleagues what a dick you were, how you cheated on the best thing that has ever happened to you. I hope they tell you off for it. I hope they tell you how stupid you were and how you don’t deserve me.
I know that you’re sorry, I know that you didn’t mean to do it, and that your hurting. I hope this makes you take a good hard long look at yourself, because you need to work on your shit. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but I certainly didn’t deserve to have this done to me.
You know a year from now you will be a distant memory to me. A year from now I will be almost 32, I hope to be in a happy, deeply committed relationship with someone. Someone who will treat me right, not constantly tease me, mock me, and throw a mantrum when he doesn’t get his way. Someone who will want to make an effort with my friends and family. Someone who will want to have a family, set up a home and support each other in whatever our dreams and goals are. Someone who is willing to compromise, someone who wants to look after me when I’m down.
I stupidly keep looking at the msgs you sent me, telling me how sorry you were, how I didn’t deserve this, how you wanted to give me everything and make me happy. I keep thinking of our first date and the dumbfounded look on your face when you told me I was out of control, and you held me back and said let me get a good look at you. I keep thinking of the amazing sex we had, and how close I felt to you when we made love. I still to this day maintain that you were the best sex I have ever had. I know that will probably pump up your ego, but I still think about how amazing we were in bed together, nobody has ever banged me like you have, I think that’s part of the reason this hurts so much more, is because sex with you was so special, so intimate and yet you went and fucked somebody else.
I still think of all the good times we had and then I start to cry. I loved watching you play drums, I loved seeing you get really into the music you listened to. I still remember your laugh and how happy it would make me to see you laugh aloud. I loved hearing about your travels, about your plans for your music, about the dogs you fostered.
I keep hoping you’ll text me, you’ll call or you’ll turn up at my house. I wish I had questioned you about this face to face, so you could have seen the look on my face when you confirmed what had happened. I wish I could have seen your face crumple when you were sobbing uncontrollably on the phone. I wish I could watch you beg for my forgiveness on your knees. I wish you could have watched me walk away.
Instead the last time I saw you was on Christmas Day, when I had dropped you back at your place, and we kissed quite intimately in my car before you got out. Did you know that would be our last kiss?
I had no idea what had happened the night before. You know if I had been standing at my window and looking out at the pool, I would have seen you. I heard splashing, I heard you two fuckwits laughing. What kills me the most is that the next day I wanted to have sex with you and you said no because my parents were here. Wtf? So, you were ok to fuck in the pool with anyone being able to see you? In fact, my dad even came down to the pool and had a drink with you both. I msgd you at 10pm and asked you when you were coming to bed. Your response was a photo of my dad in the pool on the inflatable swan, glass of red wine in hand. Did you fuck her before or after my dad was in the pool? Did you kiss in the kitchen before or after you fucked each other?
I even gave you your xmas presents the next day in bed before I dropped you home. She had msgd you that morning asking if you were still here, she apologized and you said don’t worry about it, life as normal, nothing happened. Then you fucking asked her about the name of some chick with a mustang. Where you already lining up your next fuck?
Then Christmas day, I was expecting you to come over, and you didn’t. I then thought I would see you boxing day, and you said you were “sick” you fucking weren’t. You were depressed and guilty, it wasn’t fucking anything you ate. You msgd me asking me why I was so sexy, after I had posted that super glam photo of myself. I hope that’s the last image you have of me, looking hot as fuck.
When were, you planning to tell me? Were you going to tell me? Were you trying to think of how to edit the story so it didn’t seem as bad? Perhaps you were trying to figure out how to try and keep me so I wouldn’t leave you.
I keep thinking of all these revenge scenarios in my head. You seeing me out in the valley, looking gorgeous and with some other guy. You finding out I have moved on with someone else.
None of this will help me though, it just makes me feel good for a few moments, then I feel shit again.
I need to learn to be comfortable alone. This was probably a good thing for me, as much as it sucks. I can honestly tell you that I am more devastated about this break up then I was about my break up with Sean and I had been with him for 8 fucking long years.
I need to be happy being alone, learn to love myself and find myself again. This relationship with you has been such a big revelation, of everything that I don’t want in a relationship.
I hope you find peace, and you learn to forgive yourself. As much as I want you to suffer and I want you to hurt, because I’m hurting, I also want you to learn from this. You need to get off the alcohol and question why you do the things that you do. You need to grow up. You need to take more responsibility for yourself and your actions.
I hope you find what you want in life, I am determined to grow from this experience.
The fucked up thing after all this, is that I still fucking love you and I wish that I didn’t.