Part of me hopes you’ll stumble on my silly note

Part of me hopes you’ll stumble on my silly note

Part of me hopes you’ll stumble on my silly note

LTME-postI try and convince myself that I don’t love him anymore but he slips through the cracks within the spaces of my mind without me even realising. I am over what happened, I’m no longer bitter, or hurt and I accept that he most likely does not think about me anymore. But it doesn’t and never will change the fact that I will always love him, like I knew I would when I fell in love with him. Like I knew I would after he broke up with me. Like I promised I would. I knew I had no choice, I will always love him and he will always hold a place in my heart, always. A place that could never ever be replaced by any other boy. A place where his name is and always will be, and I knew it from the start.

I’m okay with that. I would never wish to see him again, although every time I leave the house when I’m at home I anticipate seeing him, and the foolish side of me does wish to see him. Even though every time the number 23 bus passes me by I visually search the bus thoroughly just incase he is on it. And I still wonder if he ever sees the number 9 bus and thinks of me. Or whether he still passes my house on the way to work on the train.

I haven’t seen you for what must be about a year now, I know you’re doing well and that you’re happy, and – that, from the bottom of my heart is all I ever wanted. Even when I was bitter and called you names, it’d break my heart to know that you were unhappy. And like I always said, if I was not the one to make you happy then I’m glad you left.

I’m in a new relationship now, with a boy I love with all my heart, a boy who taught me that actually, what you gave me was not the best I deserved. That the way you treated me was not the best way I could have been treated. That our relationship, was not in fact, as amazing as I thought it was. But nothing will ever change the fact that what I felt for you was so real and so true. I let myself fall so hard for you, so, so fucking hard. You were my first love and nothing will ever change that.

I love you, and always will, but I do not want you. I want you to be happy, and the love I feel for you is no longer a romantic kind of love, its a love where I imagine your face and smile, a love where I only imagine what you might be up to and hope you are as happy as you possibly can be, a love that wishes you a long and joy fulfilled life, and a love that I feel for a lost soul mate. A love that I will always go weak at the knees for, and a love where I will look at you and see you and only you, with all my heart. But also, a love that is content with never seeing you again.

I haven’t spoken to you for so long, it’s weird that I’m really acknowledging your presence in my thoughts, I never really do that.

I ought to sign off here, because maybe there is a part of me that hopes you’ll stumble across this silly note. I don’t know.

Yours, and love always,
E

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