In church last Sunday we discussed the things we would have most regretted not doing if we were to die tomorrow. And for me, number one on that list would be not having written this letter.
Since this letter is instructed not to be delivered to you unless I prematurely die, you will hopefully never read it. Most likely it will spend its existance gathering dust rotting away; tucked between the pages of this book only to be discovered years from now. A relic of a darker time. Its author being its only reader.
At the time of this writing it has been exactly 8 months since the last time we spoke, the night you broke up with me. 8 months…… I don’t know weather to laugh or cry at thinking this. It seems like an eternity, yet like just yesterday at the same time.
So many hurtful questions still swirl around my head. Why you dumped me out of the blue in a way so similar to Krystal despite your promise that I had been hurt enough and you would never do that to me. What made you pursue me so relentlessly during the darkest time in my life, to lift me up from the depths of my depression only to drop me back down from those new heights into an even darker place? What prompted you to do it over skype only days before I was scheduled to come out to visit you, after everything was bought and paid for, despite your repeated promises that it was to be a good visit and that you would never dump me if not in person. How you could take such a perfectionist Christ-like attitude to absolutely everything in your life, and have the sole exception be how you treated me. What made you think that things between us were truly unworkable and that there was no way back even though we had found our way back before?
If you only knew how often I have pondered over answers to these questions. How many times I prayed to god; seeking if not an acceptance of this situation, at the very least an understanding. How many hours I sat there and stared at my phone, praying for it to ring and have you on the other end. How many times I watched the video of us playing “A Drop in The Ocean” together or stared at that picture of us in front of the Denver temple, remembering a time when I didn’t think it was possible for me to be as happy as I was in those moments.
And lastly, how much time I spent pondering the most devastating thing of all. Knowing that as you read these words right now; you may pity me, you may feel sorry. But despite the unfathomable enormity of my grief, you simply don’t care. At least not enough to have reconsidered the decision that you made 8 months ago.
After this whole situation started I quickly came to the realization of what is quite possibly the darkest fact of human nature. That no matter how much you may need someone, and no matter how loving and kind that person may be; that we are all self-interested creatures, and if that person does not need you in return, then you are ultimately nothing but an unfortunate yet necessary obstacle for them.
It may seem that by saying these things and asking these questions that I am blaming your or guilting you, although I promise that this is not the case. Surely these past few months would have been much easier if I could hate you. And believe me, I tried to be angry. But despite my best efforts I just was never able to feel anything but the same infinite love for you that I felt for you when we were together. A love that has never faded. I thought absolutely everything about you was amazing, and cherished every second we spent together. And I just needed to say that one final time.
I guess if you are reading this, it means that I am no longer here. And because this is my last chance to say it, I want you to know that I really hope you have an amazing life. I hope that all of your dreams come true. And that you truly earn your place in the celestial kingdom. You deserve every bit of it, and I wish more than anything that I was the man who could have given it to you.
Its funny, so much happened that weekend before we broke up. I went hiking, met that crazy man in church who wanted me to help him track down some old girlfriend (and I mean old. this guy had to be 80), and that Saturday found a first edition copy of the “Well of Ascension” on ebay for only $15. See, I promised you that I would eventually track one down for you. And here you are. I was so excited to tell you not only about the book, but just about my day, about how I couldn’t wait to see you the following weekend, and to stare into your eyes and make the world disappear like I had so many times before.
Its likely that you will never see this letter. That these thoughts will never reach you, and that we will continue to go our separate ways. And even if because of some unfortunate circumstances you do somehow end up with it, it probably will not be tomorrow, next week, or any time in the near future. So until then, I guess il go back to doing what I have done every night since this happened, and what il probably continue to do for a long time. Sit here in my grief, still waiting for the phone to ring and the chance to tell you about my day.
I love you more than you’ll ever know, and will continue to do so for all eternity. I’ll never know what caused you to leave me, but believe me when I say that I consider it the single biggest regret of my life.
Yours, now and forever,
PS: That thing you have tried to hide from me; I know. Despite my best efforts to avoid this news, somehow it found me. One thing you never seemed to grasp was that if you really care about a person’s feelings you don’t hide the fact that you did something hurtful, you just don’t do it. And honestly finding out was worse than you dumping me. It was pretty much the most hurtful way that this whole thing could have worked out. I hope that your happiness was worth it.