First I would like to start out with telling you that I do not regret us talking at all. I do not regret any times we were together. You helped me open my eyes that my life is more than finding a relationship and the perfect guy. You helped me realize I need to focus on me and my career. You have given me great advice and I thank you for that. The only thing I do wish I changed is not having sex with you right away. Because I think you think I am this easy girl and you can just have your way with me. But I am not, I am beautiful, strong, and smart woman. With a great personality and I have a beautiful heart.
Back in October we talked about our feelings. We said we liked each other and we both agreed we saw something that could possibly happen in the future. We had an understanding. We agreed to continue to get to know each other, learn to trust each other etc. We said to continue doing this friends with benefits type of relationship.
But maybe you just wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear. Maybe you did not feel this way, if you didn’t, you could have just told me that. Just because I had caught feelings for you, does not mean that you were obligated to have feelings for me as well. I did not expect that.
Even though I say the above statement, I honestly think you liked me in some way. You did such amazing things for me. You came and visited me, we shared wonderful memories in Minneapolis. You let me stay at your house for 5 days back in September. You took care of me when I was sick. You made sure to have my favorite snacks at your house, but you didn’t even know my favorite snacks so you guessed. Those little things showed me you liked me/cared for me. So I believe when you told me you like me. Maybe we were not on the same page, maybe I had more feelings for you I don’t know. You are a closed book and have your guard up.
It was fine for awhile but then I would always nag about how you would act differently etc. when you weren’t, you were just busy. I see that now. I overstepped, I was acting like your girlfriend and treating this a relationship when it wasn’t.
I will be honest, things that made me question your feelings were when you messaged Daniella and when I saw you still had Tinder. By all means, you could have it. But from my stand point, obviously for you to want to have dating apps on your phone, you wanted to keep your options open. Okay, that is fine. You should have told me that. Not how if we were seeing other people that it would complicate us. These incidents happened though after we had continuous fights, and after I had told you I wanted to be done. And it probably turned you off. I added drama. You didn’t want that. Maybe you wanted to look for other people. I don’t know. I believe you when you said you were not looking or talking to anyone else when we started talking. As far stretched at the tinder explanation you gave me, I believe you. I hope you are really telling me the truth though, because I don’t want to look like an idiot.
Things that made you question me, the whole Paul situation and when I downloaded Tinder. Which I did not do to spite you by the way. I did not have it for the intent to use it. Please believe me. I never talked to anyone or was seeing anyone when you and I were talking. I know you feel betrayed when you, Paul, Megan and I hung out, and not knowing Paul and I were a thing. That was my fault and I did not think about it. I did not think it would hurt you. I knew from then on, your trust with me was shaken.
Do not be that guy who tells a girl what she wants to hear. You tell me first you see something and then a couple months down the line, you aren’t ready for a relationship. Are you not ready, or did you not want one with me? I need you to be honest because my gut tells me that it is the second explantation. My gut is never wrong and don’t tell me it is. Anytime in my life I have said certain things my gut told me, few months down the line it happens, so please don’t play me. That is not fair to me. It is not fair for you to string me along because you just wanted to continue having sex. Or continue whatever this was, which what we were doing was dating by the way. We didn’t not commit to a relationship but we were going on dates etc.
Now, after thinking about it these passed couple of days. Maybe we never liked each other at all. Maybe we liked each others company, the intimacy, the sex, and talking to each other. We do not really know each other. You know me, I have opened up to you after awhile. But you never really opened up to me. There were a couple of times where you did. But I don’t know the real you. I want to get to know you, I want to know your favorite food, movie, songs. I want to know your hopes, fears and dreams. It might be stupid but those are the little things about a person that are important.
I do care and like you as a friend but obviously for right now, it will just be that. If I am in town you cannot text me “do you want to come over and hang out” I know what that will lead to. This year I will not just have casual sex with you or anyone for that matter. I need to respect myself more, and know my worth. Having casual sex is not it. We can always talk and catch up, but having casual sex is not it.
Again, do not be that guy who tells me what I want to hear. You’re known me since I was little. You know my past relationships, guys have done this to me before. Don’t be that guy. We have talked about our insecurities, our bad pasts, trust and jealousy issues. We opened up and admitted that to each other, we have something there Nelson. We asked each other to be nothing but honest when we first stared talking. This is me being honest while I write this out. When you are ready, I hope you can be honest with me. I want nothing more to be your friend because we were in each others lives for 5 months, I do not want that friendship to end.
I am not writing this in order to get what we have back. I am really going to take time for myself this year. Learn to love myself. Learn to let my past go. Learn to not let jealousy control me or to have trust issues with anyone.
We have talked about this being a mutual issue; we were not even together, yet we were jealous of each other, and allowed it to control us and our actions at times. If we started off like that, it would not have been healthy if we decided to continue. “Sides” are irrelevant to discuss at that point; despite us joking most of the time, there was always some seriousness beneath the surface. I do not want that. I want us to be okay with each other if we decide to date other people.
Even though you tell me you do not want to date others because you’re “busy,” before me you were actively dating. So I think you will go on dates after me, and that is okay. You are a good looking, sweet guy. Any girl would be lucky to be with you.
Take care. I hope you read this and reconsider us and what we have meant to each other. If you decide to say anything at all, I hope you can be open and truthful with me. I hope your job continues to go well with the New Year and the house turns out amazing.