J,

You were the first and only person I have ever loved. We were the epitome of first, young love. Idealistic, optimistic, incredibly naive- the stuff of movies. The type of relationship where, even though we were only 19, it felt like forever and always. Until it wasn’t, and you never spoke to me again.

You were right to call it quits, even if it did take me a year to realize that you were right. I was not in the best place. With a past of anxiety, depression and trust issues, you were all I had at university. I struggled to settle in, not having many friends, not really liking my course, and not at all having the social, alcohol fueled, fun that university students were meant to be having. When you found your huge group of friends, were out a lot, always people to hang out with and always having so much fun, I no longer fitted into your life at university. Months after being broken up, I was always envious of the life you found at university while I still struggled to fit in and have fun.

I am sorry for how I acted when you ended it. Because when you left, the only thing I liked at university disappeared and I was left with absolutely nothing. I really wanted and needed you back, as my anxiety and depression kicked it at full force. I am sorry for what I must have put you through- the 3am phone calls you left unanswered, unwanted drunk text messages and the guilt you must have felt seeing me in such a bad place because of you. I created such a bad time for you, making the break up messy and refusing to let go. No wonder you cut me off completely. But I also think that you should be sorry too. For just leaving and never ever speaking to me again, completely cutting me out your life like I was nothing, complete disregard for my mental health and how it would harm me. How you left was cowardly, and it hurt me a lot.

Three years later I see you at graduation. Both of us surrounded by our groups of friends, diploma’s in hand, huge grins on our faces. We don’t even acknowledge each other. I’d love you to see where I am now. Anxiety and depression under control, a group of amazing, supportive friends and finally having the university life that I craved, that made me hugely happy. If only we’d have met in third year, maybe we’d still talk. Even though you hurt me, and we did not end in the best way, my heart will always be open to you. I’d love to catch up.