Dearest Kambal Kutie,
Why can’t I move on from you? Why can’t I just accept that you weren’t as invested as I thought you were? Why can’t I just realize that my mistakes can’t be corrected. Why can’t I just see your face again, hear your voice again? It’s all too much. I have cried nearly every day for the last five months. I’ve stopped reaching out to you after you asked for time alone, which was another way of you saying “I lied when I said we should stay friends, get out of my life”. I took you off social media, even though you promised to always care regardless. I deleted your number, even though I want nothing more than to call you. But I can’t move on. You became my everything, and the moment the honeymoon period ended you just bailed on me. I’m not perfect, but I never sold myself as perfect. I wasn’t always sensitive to your sensitivity, but you didn’t give me a chance to work on it, you just held it all in for so long that I thought you were as happy as I was. Then you left me after I messed up.
You were supposed to let me take you on your first airplane flight.
You were supposed to finish Agents of Shield and Cells at Work and One Piece with me.
You were supposed to let me be your rock if your health ever declined.
You were supposed to finally try my mom’s lasagna.
You were the best friend I’ve had in my entire life. I can’t even hate you. I just hate that I can’t have one more evening with you. One more London Fog at Transcend. One more heartwarming argument about what to name our hypothetical daughter. One more passionate night of raw humanity in each other’s arms. But it’s all over.
I can accept that I’ll never have the happiness of being with the one person I could be vulnerable around.
But I can’t forget you. And I hate myself. I hate that no matter what I do, whether I drive my car to the grocery store or try to focus on my career, I can’t just delete the memory of you. You’re just too precious. But you left, just when I was ready to take another step. And I can’t get you back. I don’t even know if I can be your friend ever again, because you quit cold turkey after a month of trying our best to be amicable.
What do I do, Anna? How do I live the rest of my life without you?
It’s alright though.
If you find happiness, it’s okay.
Go meet someone amazing. Someone rich and kind, who can sense when you’re hurt. Who you’re enthusiastic about introducing to your parents. Who can please you in bed. Who can give you those decades of happiness that I once dreamed of.
Go have an incredible career. Get published. I’ll read your research someday.
Go do it all.
But I’d still give anything in the world to get a surprise breadcrumb from you. My pride doesn’t mean anything anymore. I’m broken.
The guy who made you cry before the first date by making you watch Rose of Versailles.