I was left with so many unanswered questions and pondering thoughts. why did you choose to hurt me? what was wrong with me? or why was i not enough? truth is, i was enough, you just could not carry all that i was. i am not for the weak. but you drove me to become the weakest i had ever been. when you left me, i wasn’t in shock, the weeks we had had before all of this, i knew it was not leading up to something good. i guess i just had hope that God would work his miracles. you know, i always doubted God, but there i was, on my hands and knees praying for you to come back to me. it was more than the tear stained sheets, or the sleepless nights, or your clothes in the back of my closet. it was the hurt that had been built up because you would refrain from loving me.

A month after we broke up, i still felt your fingers running through my hair or the forehead kisses you’d place on my head when i was sleeping. i still heard your voice say, “come here” while your hands wrapped around my waist. i still remember what it first felt like to sleep next to you. or the first time i told you, “i love you”. or the facetime calls until 4am planning out every second of the future ahead. the calls went from loving every second of it to constant arguments and going to sleep upset every night. the blocking and unblocking that became a routine. the belittling me and burning down my confidence until there was none left. we’re you happy yet? probably not because that’s why you kept going. you knew i had a soft spot for you so you fiddled with it until you pushed me over the edge and i had no fight left. you had saw me finally getting out of the worst stage in my life and thought, “let me break her down again.” and that’s exactly what you had done.

The very thing that distinguishes us both is that i would not hesitate to choose you in every lifetime, yet you would not even choose me in this one. if i had ever stumbled across your green eyes again, i would not stop and stare in awe. they are beautiful, but no that beautiful. the type of beautiful that you stop for a second to admire but forget after a couple of days because they no longer serve a purpose. yesterday was two months that we had been broken up, yet here you are, with another girl, claiming she is everything you had ever hoped for. but why not me? i would be lying if i said when we broke up i did not sit in front of the mirror pointing out every imperfection i had and how i could have fixed them to make you stay. even if you stayed just a little bit longer. but the only way i could make you stay as long as possible was when your hips were thrusting in and out of me and you were looking me in my eyes in pleasure. the only time you stayed longer was when it was late nights and you knew you could convince me to do what you wanted which always resulted in my clothes on your cold hardwood floor and your sheets tangled between us.

The truth is, you did not love me, but you loved what i could do for you. it was the fear of you not wanting me but also not wanting to see me interlocking hands with someone who was not of you. it was lying because you knew i was too naive to see through it, yet you could look me straight in my face and antagonize me yet i would still sit there in awe of how your lips move when you talk to me, even if it tore me down. you sat there for seven months, drowning in my love when i could not even get a single drop of yours.