I know you well enough to know that you’d laugh at this if you ever saw it, cringe, show your friends and laugh at it together, even today. it makes me a bit sick, but let’s return to that later.
You see S, i firmly believe in the idea that you can only hate someone of whom you’ve cared somewhat about before. hate is personal. that’s what makes hate so nauseating and exhausting you know? that those aspects co-exists. i cared, i loved you, which is why i hate. but it’s been a few years now, and this hate has begun to feel like a friend. its not as intense, if at all, and to be completely honest i had to take a few minutes to decide if i could genuinely use the word “hate” for you. i’ve known for a while that if it wasn’t you, it would’ve been someone else: someone just as naive and arrogant, insecure. you are not unique in that sense S, and it would have been someone else if it wasn’t you. so, is it really you i hate? we were so young and lost, and i have forgiven you for that. really, i have. the problem is the power you had, and took from me. so, it is definitely hate for you, excuses and all.
I see you sometimes, you know. you’re everywhere, and that makes things difficult for me. you’re well liked, popular. i wonder if you’ve ever managed to look your self in the mirror and feel like you’ve matured, god i hope you have. you took so much, hell be it having been for nothing.
And that’s the thing. i hope you stand today, feeling proud of your achievements, your relationships, your music. i hope you look at where you are, when you feel happy, content, and remember me and everything you took. that you are who you are, and know the things you know, partly because of me. i hope that you have evolved and matured enough to realize that. that faith, helps me cope with the diminishing comments, the ridicule. i might be naive, immature, cringy, not well known or popular and i haven’t achieved the things you have, all those things which you are proud of yourself for, but at least i don’t have the audacity to do what you did.
I will probably see you around, S. and if you read this far, know that i feel so proud of myself making you read this in english.