Dear S, 

The writing of this letter has been weeks in deliberation and it is only now in this moment that I finally decided to bite the bullet and unleash the swarm of thoughts and emotions that have plagued my mind in the nearly two months since I found out the truth about you.

Where to start. Well first of all, how the fuck could you S? Why did you do this to me S? Why did you instigate this and ask me on a date? Why did you keep asking to make sure I was interested? Why did you kiss me? Why did you hold me in your arms like I was the only girl in your life that mattered? Why did you make all those empty proclamations about our future? And most importantly how could you let me be your girlfriend and establish an anniversary well knowing that you were already spoken for? How could you?

All my life I had dreamed of my Cinderella moment. Of finding the right guy hitting it off, having unmistakable chemistry and never feeling lonely. You gave me that moment. And just as fast as you gave it you pulled it out from under my feet like it was nothing. I trusted you with my most vulnerable and insecure thoughts. I let you in. And you took that trust and crumpled it up like it was nothing. I thought you were the one. I thought you were him. You were everything I had ever dreamed of. I couldn’t believe you were real. You were mine. I had finally found him after years of yearning for it.

But it was all a sham. You betrayed me. You lied to me. So so much. There is a part of me that wants to believe that the guy I knew and the guy who constructed this elaborate scam were different people. But I am so wrong for that. You are one and the same. You are nothing but a worthless lying shell of a human being who is unhappy in life and used me as a pawn to fulfill whatever void you had in your cold heart. In me you saw joy, naivety and innocence not knowing that underneath was someone just as lonely and lost as you. And once you saw that part of me you were not interested in staying. And in the process you sucked me dry of whatever joy and innocence I had left.

You broke me S. You took the one thing in the world I had idealized in my head and ruined it. Since we’ve been done I have lost my ability to feel things, to see joy and to look forward to what is in store for me. And slowly I am getting it back and I am healing. But I still cannot let go of you. I hate you S. I think you are horrible and a jerk for what you did, and I never ever want anything to do with you. But I still feel for you, I feel for you a lot.

I wonder what led you to do what you did. Surely you were lost and broken and just needed somebody to fill that void. I keep trying to justify what you did and I hate myself for that. I hate that I let myself fall for you. I stopped just short of falling in love with you but had this gone on for any longer and I would’ve found myself there and I thank whoever is above it did not come to that. Let me be clear. I do not want you back ever. Do not mistake my feelings for me wanting you. The feelings are a drug. And I am in withdrawal. And this too shall pass. But the truth is I will never forget you, mainly because you were my first. I wish you weren’t. I wish I was experienced because if  I was I surely would not have gotten caught up in this. But I wasn’t. And just like that I let you be my first kiss, my first spoon, my first cuddle, my first boyfriend and real relationship.

And it ended catastrophically. With me as the other woman. In two months you taught me all the dos and don’ts of relationships. Dating you was like taking a crash course on relationships. It gave me all the experience. And honestly, that’s exactly what I needed to become the person I will be for the guy who is the one. And that is why I do not regret what happened. Because you and your ways taught me all the lessons I need for a lifetime. So for that I guess thanks. But for breaking my heart and using me to cheat on your girlfriend, fuck you. For lying fuck you.

I do not know what I am to you S, but I do know me exposing you even if she didn’t believe me implanted a fear that forever lives rent free in your head. You can lie about your lack of social media and your relationship status. You can manipulate the shit out of your enabling girlfriend. And you can whine and rant about all the stupid people in your life. But you can never ever forget about me. That’s a fact. I hope you think of me and how truly pathetic you were. I hope you look in the mirror and all you see is the reflection of a hollow human being who came across someone great and did not see the value in her. I hope you know that because of you I am a better person because I grew and healed. I am truly more enlightened and see the world differently now.

Life is not the best now, but I know that it will slowly get better for me. I am not going to drown in a web of lies like you. Your truth will come out to her one day S. And you will pay the price for what you’ve done. I could go on and on about each and every moment we had but I’ll give you a few last thoughts and bid you farewell.

When I met you I had simply resigned myself to the fact that I was not attractive at all to the opposite gender and perhaps I was destined to be alone forever. I was so insecure in my status as forever single that when you came along I jumped at the chance to be with you and ignore all the red flags like your bumble profile (all pics with girls really dude?) and insta profile pic which btw I found that night we facetimed. I was desperate. And for a while I let the guilt of  this blinding get to me. But not anymore, because this is on you not me. I have no apologies for being vulnerable, for showing you my true self because ironically now that I am alone I know I am worth it. You taught me that.

Even when we were together before I found out about her you made me feel so alone. That’s why I made up my mind to dump you before I even knew she existed. Being with you was worse than being alone. I would rather be alone than with someone not worth it. I owe it to you and your shitty ways for helping me see that. So thank you. I am no longer insecure being alone and am content this way until the right man comes along.

Lastly S, I forgive you for everything. As much as I want to continue to despise you I know that the best thing I can do is forgive. So I forgive you. I forgive even though you never even bothered to give me an apology for everything. I forgive you. But I can never ever forget. I hope that maybe one day you can see the error in your ways and work towards healing yourself too and maybe I will get an apology that I so rightfully deserve, but that’s just blind optimism on my part. You will never ever apologize, because you are simply incapable of comprehending the nature of your actions and the people you hurt because of your own selfish needs. You don’t fucking care about anyone but yourself. And that is why you will always be miserable.

That being said, you were a part of my life for nearly two months and there are some parts I will cherish. But I’m moving on now. There’s no room for you in my life anymore. This is my last hurrah on this before I close this chapter. Yes I might still look you up from time to time. But I’m done unleashing my energy on you. I am done waiting for you to reach out and try to apologize. I know it is not going to happen. I wish you the best in  your career because clearly it’s the only thing you are actually good at. This is goodbye. Forever. 

Respectfully fuck you S, 

Your ex that you probably don’t even consider an ex