In another lifetime

In another lifetime

In another lifetime

Hi Kinzie, 

I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could support you, and hold you when you’re sad. This past week has been be just convincing myself that I deserve more then you were able to give me. So I’m trying to put all that energy into myself. But its really difficult. Im sorry I can’t support you with all the pain you have been feeling. I really wish you didn’t end things, I could have been through this journey of change with you. But I know you want to do it alone. I think you need to do it alone. Thank you for everything you taught me. That sometimes its okay to buy that dress, or buy those clothes because it makes you feel okay. Sometimes its okay to say no, and sometimes its okay to say yes. You taught me what unconditional love was. You allowed me to grow. I think its time for you to grow. I think its time for you to make that next step.

Unfortunately, I cant be there. You have to do this part on your own and you know it. I want to share my pain with you, so we can comfort each other. But you cant and aren’t my person anymore. and i’m not Yours. I wish our lives were different. I wish I wasn’t so stuck. And i wish you weren’t stuck either. 

When we began, everything felt so right. It was the first time it really felt right. I knew I was choosing the right person. I knew i had to make sacrifices if I wanted to be with you. I don’t regret any of them. I just hope i helped you in these past 5 years and didn’t make you feel alone.

There was some things that happened during our relationship. I started to feel distant, and i was grasping at any attention I could get. There were people i would flirt with while playing games,  but also so openly speak about you. The flirting to some extend was innocent in the case of attention, but it wasn’t okay. I haven’t stopped thinking about it till this day. I knew it was wrong the entire time, but I just wanted to have fun. I wanted what we had back. I remember myself, these people are temporary. They don’t care about me, and they wont exist in my life in a year from now. And I was right.

I never told you because you deserved better, then some shit excuse. I convinced myself it was okay, because I though of you the entire time. I convinced myself that it was okay because I wasn’t ignoring you or neglecting you (or so I think i wasn’t). 

I wish we were able to meet earlier. I wanted to feel that connection with you, but our lives sent us in different directions. I hope we can 
still meet each other. I want to be the best version of myself when i meet you. I hope you can forgive me for the past few days after the breakup. But I need to stand my ground. You broke up with me, I cant use my heart anymore i need to use my head.

I’m around people constantly because I cant stop thinking about you. 
Around people who don’t care what happened, around people who don’t even ask. Around people who know the pain i’m feeling but don’t ask if i’m okay. Because what am i to them? What was i to them when i was happy. I don’t remember but I do remember telling myself that I want to be peoples safe space. But i never realized how lonely it would be.

I feel selfish for not wanting to feel pain, I feel selfish because the posts i put the retweets the subreddits. Its all around you, and even what you posted that it is hurting you. It was not my  intention, i’m just trying to put somewhere how i feel. At the end of the day, i’m alone in this world. I need someone who can help me when my mom passes away. Im so scared that day will come sooner then I need it to be. 

I know my life will never be the same. I wanted that person to be you, but you never understood the life she had for me. Your mom treated you unfairly a lot, and I know its taken its toll on you. But love is possible, 
your dad loves you. Make him proud, be able to support yourself. I cant be there to support you, I wanted to tell your dad i would take care of you if anything happens to him. I don’t know who else can do it now, but please find someone who will love you whole. Who feels the same way you do, and will love every one of your flaws. Find the place in your life you feel safe. Where you are your happiest, and where you feel like you have a purpose. Its all i’ve ever wanted. 

We are both very broken people, and tried to fix each other with glue and tape. The tape and glue ran out and we tried to fix each other with pieces of ourselves. Love doesn’t work that way. We lost ourselves in the process.

The last year I have felt so alone, and so ugly. When we first met you looked at me the way I look at people. I finally felt i met my soul mate. But your eyes and your love vanished over time. Was it because of the pain i caused you? If it was i’m sorry. Im so scared that I have damaged you. But to be honest we damaged each other.

I really want to speak to you tomorrow, so I can understand where you are right now. But i cant ask you how you are feeling, because it doesn’t matter anymore. If i know you are in pain, I am going to want to be there. I will want to stay up with you all night and make sure you’re okay. 
I don’t want to cry in front of you, but I have a strong feeling it will happen. Will waiting more time stop that? Or will waiting more time just hurt you.

You’ve always felt like i see you as such a burden but that was never ever the case. I just wanted better for you, i wanted better for us. I would have never left you. I would have followed you till the end of the world. Regardless, the past months have been so horrible for me. 
I think you feel our love is gone, and thats why you ended it too. You want to find the happiness, in yourself and with your life. I really  want you to find happiness. Its so important to me. I don’t want to hate you, 
even though things you’ve done make me angry. Things that i’ve noticed that you changed and hid from me. 

But you were right, I don’t even know you anymore. I stopped questioning everything because i trusted that you would communicate with me. But i should have known that you weren’t communicating you were blocking
me out. I know i should have said something. Even though I told myself it was enough, it wasn’t. 

I hate that i can reflect on this so much now that we are apart. This is horrible. Its scary that, i feel closer to you now then i have in so long. I hope we can meet one day. Please. I love you. I always will love you. I will always care for you. But i cant right now. I have to put myself first. I hope you put yourself first too. Please know you are worthy of love. You are worthy of feelings, worthy of feeling pain and moving past it. Keep pushing keep going. You can do anything. 

My other two exes I hated. It felt real for a short time with them, but what I felt with you was nothing compared. I felt we connected with our souls when we first met. If we loved closer we could have built so much.
It sucks. Im so sorry.

1 Comment

  1. Gabriel 2 months ago

    God, that was so gut wrenching and emotional!

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