It’s been almost 3 months since our break-up and every single day you still cross my mind. Be it bad memories or good memories, your image still lingers in me and my heart hurts so bad whenever I think of you. I admit I thought I was on my way to getting over you and that I would vow to not talk about you or stalk you on your social media sites anymore but I guess I let myself down. Just like how I let you down.
Seeing you having a blast with my friends and sharing secrets with them made me feel really left out and in pain. I hated you and them for a while (childish, I know), because I was mad that they chose your company over me and that you did nothing to show any remorse whatsoever. Then I figured that maybe I was just thinking too much as usual and that maybe you already tried your hardest in moving on in your own way; we’re just too different.
I’m sure you guys still have my interests at heart and even when I’m in a bad mood and think that everyone’s out to get me (which I believe isn’t true), everyone has their own struggles and that I should probably be better off doing some self-improvement rather than wasting time worrying whether or not anyone of you would take notice of me.
I was probably the whiniest, most insecure, most annoying girl ad most negative girl you’ve ever met and I’m starting to see things a little clearer after the break-up. Of course, I still try to wrap my confused mind over what went wrong or how I should’ve kept my shit together more during the course of our relationship, and despite my frustration towards you so many times, I’m really sorry for not trusting you or being the girl you wanted.
This regret has been eating me from the inside out for a long time and I know I’m probably not gonna be able to talk to you normally again, let alone pour my heart out to you, thus I used this medium to express my feelings.
I can’t say I know what’s the best for you and me, and I almost drove myself insane wondering how to please you while taking care of my needs at the same time. I’m sorry for pushing you to your limits and dismissing your opinions and explanations all because I was too caught up in my own.
I’m sorry if you ever felt disrespected by my actions and words, and I’m sorry if I ever lashed out at you when the real problem lies within me. I don’t think that I am mature enough for a relationship and honestly fear for myself if I will ever grow up fast enough to deserve someone else.
You’re a kind, good man, and please forgive me if you ever hear anything from anyone else about any negative things I’ve said about you. As always, I was probably not in the right mind, and I’m not exactly better in any sense.
There is one thing that I can do though, and that is to promise you that I will be a better, more positive person despite failing numerous times and slipping back to my old habits. I wasn’t able to fulfill this when we were together, and I hope it isn’t too late to do so. It isn’t just for you, it’s for me and the people I love too. I’m sure others would appreciate a little ray of sunshine every now and then. And I hope to be that little ray of sunshine.
Probably for the last time, I love you.