I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Dearest A,

I can remember a time when I thought you would always be a part of my life. You were my best friend for so long, and the first person to really get who I was. I gave up so much to be with you, as you know. You know who I left behind to be with you, and how upset I was. But in the end you were worth it.I don’t regret the time I spent with you. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You are the only friend I have ever had who I can truly say is smarter than me. I’ve always believed you can do anything you want to in life. You just need to find what it is. I couldn’t find it for you. I couldn’t tell you what to do with your life. You are your own person and I couldn’t take responsibility for your life. I couldn’t let you choose to do everything for me. You need to find a path for yourself on your own. I would have supported you on that path, I still do support you in whatever you choose to do. But I couldn’t choose it for you. And I couldn’t give up my choices in life to stay with you.

You know how much I loved you. I showed you in as many ways I could. All the things I made you, the letters I wrote, the things I wanted to do with you. That’s one thing I regret now. All those things I wrote down for us to do together. They were all things I wanted to do, and bring you along. I never realised there wasn’t any things you wanted to do with me. I was trying to plan my life and bring you along with me. I don’t think it was ever going to work like that. I know you loved me. Maybe part of you still does. I know I still love you. But I wasn’t in love with you any more. I was becoming less and less a part of your life. And you weren’t moving with me. I wasn’t still the 18 year old you fell in love with. But you were still thinking I was, remembering how I was when we were still in school, and not knowing how I am now. We needed time, proper time together, to communicate and grow together. But all the changing was happening when you lived somewhere else. The relationship wasn’t keeping up.

I know you had to leave me, I know you had to go. I know where I am wasn’t right for you, or at least the course you were on wasn’t right. And I’m glad I supported you through that. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me thinks you chose to do that degree because I suggested it. But I know really it was down to you. You choose what to do, where to apply. YOu had the same opportunities to research and decide what to do as I did. I know you were young. We both were. I look back and smile at how young we were. And gosh I loved you. I don’t think I will ever feel the same again. You stole my heart. I couldn’t think straight. It was so crazy. You know I would do anything for you.

I still remember the moment I left you. It still makes me cry. I think that was the worst day of my life. That was the end of one stage of my life. And of yours. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I’m not there now. I’m sorry we never got to build a future together. I’m sorry I broke the promises I made. I never ever thought it would happen. I really hope you’re ok now. I hope you don’t hate me. I hope you find someone to love and to love you back the way you deserve. I hope you understand me a bit better now. I hope you find your happiness. I hope you know I’m still here if you ever need me. I will love you til the day I die. You are a part of me and you made me who I am today. I hope I made your life better for those 5 year I was a major part of it. I wish you all the best in the future.

Lots of Love as always,

Yours forever,

F.

2 Comments

  1. Hummy 5 years ago

    Face?

  2. F 2 months ago

    I found this letter after lots of searching and it’s now been 6 and a half years since we broke up. You have two sons and a partner now, yet I still remember you telling me you never wanted children. We were so very young, you were probably only 19 when you told me that. It’s nearly 10 years since we started going out. I’ve only seen you once since that day we broke up, but we both now live so far from where we lived as teenagers. Sometimes I wonder what kind of adult you became. You didn’t have a path in mind back then when you were only 21 and in your second year at uni, after starting again. The pain and guilt I was feeling back then is gone. This letter shows how hung up I was on your choice of degree and university. I think I was still upset you left and changed university and annoyed you made the wrong choice the first time. I’m not any more. It was a long time ago. I can’t remember the details of the day I broke up with you now, though I do remember running out of your house after you asked me to leave and the long journey home. I haven’t been back to Stafford since. I do remember some of the happy times we had together. I remember playing in the snow, a long walk back down the hill from uni after watching a play, the first scary formal dinner your mother insisted upon. I remember that ill fated trip to Frome, the crazy trip to see Andrew in Durham, a day out in Bristol. I also remember the filth in your student house and halls and you cancelling a visit because you hadn’t done your coursework. We weren’t communicating enough once we started long distance. We were living separate lives really. I’ve had another failed long distance relationship since then. I don’t think I’m cut out for them. I still think you are one of the cleverest people I have ever known, and I work with some very clever people now. That’s what I think of when I think of you now. A clever young man who I fell madly in love with. Our love was intense and I’ve never felt quite the same intensity since. I wonder what would have happened if you’d stayed at the same uni as me. I think I would have wanted some independence at some point. I’m happy living on my own now, something I may not have got to do if we’d stayed together. I think I’m going to be much later than you to settle down and start a family. I hope you’re happy with your life and your family. I’m sad sometimes we didn’t stay friends and I don’t get to know you as you are now. I’m sure you have grown into an amazing person and an amazing father. Hopefully you found out who you are on the way.

    I still wish you all the best. Maybe you remember some of the happy times we had with fondness like I do and are glad to have know me for a while all those year ago. I’m not sure I can claim to love you any more when I don’t even know who you are any more. But I hope you’re surrounded by love from those who are in your life now.

    F

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