It feels like there are not enough words to describe the heaviness in my heart.
You have shown me everything I have ever wished for, and taken it away as quickly as you gave it, but those small moments you did give me a small forever. Compassion, love and guidance all qualities I would now struggle to see in you after the hurt and abandonment you caused.
Still, after your cutting untruth words that I left you, that it was I who let you down, I would still do anything to bring you back. As tears rolled down my cheeks, you listened and laughed as I laid my feelings on the table, naked bare and honest like the body I gave to you, for only your entertainment.
I feel disgusted that I gave you everything, left my home, my life and my love; for you, yet I would do it all again in a heartbeat. As you made love to me, your hands on my skin, whispering how much I meant to you, I felt your warmth and love, slow, passionate and honest – how could it all be lies? How could you do that to me and say it meant nothing? Days and nights in bed together, gifts and dinners…to turn your back and walk away.
I hope I find someone like you, who loves me more than you did, but who I can love just as much or more without question, without reason and always. It isn’t over for me and I don’t believe the fire will ever die.
I am sad for you. I am sad that you didnt want to do this together, that you dont realise how precious something is and how much we must hold onto it with everything we have. You are miserable and in denial.
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know…the Martin I knew and loved is not there anymore. I am no longer heartbroken for the man who broke mine, but grieving for the one who does not exist.
I love you Martin. You have broken my heart in many more ways than I could have ever imagined. You made it so easy to fall in love with you over and over, to forgive you for every cut, to hand the knife to make another. I don’t know how I will ever stop, but the pain with every passing day, does get easier to accept.
I used to wonder how on earth I was going to get out of bed everyday and face the world, another day where I longed desperately to have you in mine, and you to push me out in the cold… but now I hold onto the wonderful, beautiful memories of the nights we shared together.
Promise me of everything, of the fights, the tears, the pain…you will remember only the brightness of my smile, the honesty in my words and the times I stroked your head, laying on my chest.
I don’t hate you – I thank you, for everything. For showing me a love greater than life itself; for inspiring me to reach for more and for putting me through such pain…that there is no shame in pain…for it is the price of love. A love some people wait their whole lives for.