“A person chooses a partner with a certain degree of brokenness and does a “dance of dysfunction” where they both knew the steps. Therefore, one person cannot be healthier than the other. Healthy people do not dance with unhealthy people”……. and we were unhealthy.
We just turned 18. Fresh from teenage angst. You with the loss of your grandmother who took care of you since you were little. While I, with the divorce of my parents. We had a string of flings and relationships before we were together. With tumultuous endings when we met. We had no intention of marriage. We just wanted to be together to tend our broken hearts and fill our emptiness. It was a perfectly dysfunctional union. We fought once every month for four years. We had countless unprotected sex despite of our religion and guess what, I had your child….. for 5 weeks until you decided that you weren’t ready. We stayed together again, just because. How do I forgive you for destroying my dreams and hopes that I innocently held on to? How do I move on from my first of everything? I had a plan back then. I wanted to turn my life around. To tell my circumstances that they will not define me. I was dragging our relationship on my own. I was begging for your love. Our relationship was a reflection of how broken we are. And that we need to save ourselves.
I know you more than anyone yet, I feel like I don’t know you at all. I know that ever since you lost your grandmother, you have been trying to find her image in every girl you dated. I know that you are seeking the love that your grandparents held on to as your ambition. I know that you have fears. Fear of boredom. Fear of timing. Fear of being not enough. And it destroys every relationship that you had with the girls you were with. I was the last woman and hopefully the last you will ever hurt. Despite it all, I still think of you. I love you with all my heart. We had our laughs, we had our experiences. We were the best of friends. I wanted to keep our child. She was a part of me and a part of you. She was a proof of our love. I really wanted to marry you in the end. I want you to fight for me and fight for our love. You hurt me. You really did. I counted the five weeks before….before….. and she was conceived on my birthday. She would have been four years old now. My birthday was yesterday and it was the first time you didn’t greet.
I wish you well. I pray that you will find the woman you are looking for. I pray that the love that your grandparents had for each other, will be yours. I pray that you will lovingly held on to a child that is half you and half the person that you love. We are no longer dancing with each other.