It’s been about nine months since we broke up. Wow, I honestly cannot believe it. Our break up really did not hit me at first. Maybe because I had so much going on at the time or maybe because things had soured, to where, it was hard to take a good look at the situation. I don’t know. Part of me also was not happy with things. Maybe I was not happy with myself. Well since then, I don’t feel like I’ve made much personal growth. Some significant things have happened since then, sure. But I feel like I’m still not happy with myself. When we broke up, you said “You can’t expect someone else to love you if you do not love yourself.” How do I love myself? You clearly do.
Well, after we broke up a part of me thought it wasn’t really happening. I thought if I moved out and gave you the space you needed, you’d realize I was your girl like you always said. That didn’t happen, clearly. I don’t think the reality of us breaking up — and the rejection of you no longer wanting to be with me — came until the holidays, when you came over that one time and said you thought we’d made a good decision. And again, when I spoke with Mark over Facebook and he ran into you and you said you thought “it was best for both of us” and you “didn’t really miss me.” Ouch, Troy. I’m assuming that’s true but ouch. Well it hit me again, as I’ve done my snooping and found what appears to be someone else you’re dating. “Well, that was quick,” I thought. But it wasn’t. You took those several months to better yourself — unlike me. I slept around and tried to find happiness through someone else.
And you know what? That girl looks better than me. If I was a guy, I’d rather date her than me. She looks fun and happy. She looks like someone who would show you new things. You’d spend your free time doing fun stuff rather than arguing about silly stuff. What the heck is wrong with me? I’m 25 and I feel like I have so little to offer anyone. I feel like I’m boring. I go home every night and sit on the couch and scroll through Facebook on other people’s photos. I’m not a waste — I have a good job and I work hard at it. But I can’t seem to find anyone and be a good partner. I can’t seem to make any friends, it seems like I have some kind of awkward way of interacting with people. I can take care of my dog and that’s about it.
I think I COULD be a good partner. If I could get my shit together, get some damn friends and hobbies and actually do something worthwhile. The problem when we met, is I had nothing going on in my life. So I meet someone who has a million cool things going on, and I feed off all your cool stuff. In a different time, I’m sure it could have worked out. I still daydream about you snapping back and realizing that we were meant to be. But deep down I guess I feel like we weren’t. I just always was floored someone as popular and cool as you liked me. Oh and that girl looks way popular. Maybe you don’t want a popular cool girl. At this point I can only hope.
I don’t really know how to love myself Troy. I’m trying to figure it out. I spend a lot of time trying to look attractive but I’m still not. Every time I try to make friends I feel like it doesn’t work. I’m too awkward for people. I don’t know. I feel like I talk to people on the phone and they think “what a nice awkward girl.”
I’m telling you all this because I don’t hate you. There are things that you’ve done that have hurt me, but nothing that’s made me hate you. I’m writing this with the idea that it will never be sent to you and we may well never see each other again. The idea that, you and that cool fun girl might stay together. I can only hope I’ll find a cool fun guy and when it happens, I’ll have something to offer him.
Troy I’ve been spending too much time looking at your Facebook. Looking at your trip to Texas and your accomplishments at the gym and what appears to be a relationship. You know what, deep down that’s great. I would feel bad if you were alone and unhappy. I’d feel somehow responsible, like I made you forever unhappy. So no, I am happy for you and if I could pick a girl I would pick that girl.
But I’m blocking you on Facebook because I can’t keep looking at these pictures. It kills me every time to see new updates about how great your life is going. I’m not going to wish you a happy birthday like I’ve been mulling. and I’m going to unfollow all your friends who post updates with you in them. I hope this helps me move on, and come to think of you as a great chapter that’s now over.