You have no idea how much love I have for you and your baby daughters Sarah and Everleigh, I was never a kid person, I hated kids, but after I met you, spent time with you and Eve, the very moment I ever felt like a father was when I had her in my arms until she fell asleep. That’s when I knew I could probably do this, I could take you and your family on, but I wanted to make sure I could which is why I never said anything in the first place, then you found someone else but never told me, and that broke my heart and I planned on never seeing you again. But you came back.
I worked so hard to find us an apartment, I took things from work so we didn’t have to worry and save money because i wanted us to be set, which is why I always came home with food and things for the apartment, I finely found a place that I wanted to call home. Two weeks after my dad died, my world collapsed, I don’t care how tuff I tried or looked to be, I collapsed. I was already stressed about moving for the first time with a family and now this. But I still did it anyways, because I loved you that damn much and I wanted to do this, I could have cancelled at anytime, but I didn’t, you and your daughters had my heart that could barely beat.
I never in my life cared for a child, I didn’t know anything or what to do about anything, you showed me things and I learned. I stayed with them every morning and it was hard, it was the most overwhelming experience I have ever had, I got very upset and had so many melt downs from everything which why I called or messaged you saying so many mean things which I take responsibility for. But you never realized what was happening and how much was on my shoulders, and you would get mad, and I understand why you did at times, but even now I don’t think you understood what it was doing to me, but I did my absolute best for me you and them no matter how mad or difficult it got, and I stayed.
I saw a change in you, I felt that the things and the battles I was fighting for you and the girls were not appreciated, the small things I did that if you look back now were pretty great, they were loving and I was hoping that maybe they would be noticed, but they weren’t, and that’s when it started to change. The running around I did for sitters and the ER visits which were annoying, but I wouldn’t have been there talking shit bored as hell if I didn’t cared or loved you the way I do. But you never saw it. Very slowly my heart broke and the support I needed so badly decreased so much from you. I do remember when I broke down in bed that you held me, and I’ll always remember that. At times I did see the love you gave me, the gifts you put so much thought into that I loved so much.
When you started leaving was a sign that you were half way out the door, I know you may think it was helping but I think you were doing it so you didn’t have to deal with me, I understand that I’m not the greatest person especially at that time, I said mean things, I was rough with Eve, and I was very annoyed and I’m truly sorry for being that way, but i think you could have helped me manage it, but you started leaving me, after the first few weeks of not seeing you or the girls that’s when I knew you couldn’t deal with me anymore. And that’s when I knew for sure, it was most likely over. I came home to an empty apartment night after night by myself, I never felt so alone in my life, I never felt more abandoned. You had the nerve to tell me every time you came by that I was never home, if you simply told me you were coming by, I would have been there waiting for you, but you never did. I’d lay there thinking about where you were or what your thinking and if you were ok. I would play the music on Sarah’s swing and sit there and cry because I missed them, I missed you. I never told you to leave, and I always said to come visit, bring the girls, come stay with me, but you never did, even when I visited you at work, that’s something I’ll never understand, and that’s when I think you stopped caring for me or us or our home.
The last month and a half has been the worst days I ever had, seeing the paper on the counter already signed and dated killed me so badly, you wanted out with no respect to me or the place I worked so hard to built for us, it seemed like an easy way out for you, you were abandoning me and our home and I couldn’t let it happen, and that’s why I was forced into ending the lease, I told you to come by to sign the papers and give me your buy out check, you never had the respect of doing it, so I had to come to your work to do it. During that time, you still never visited me or help me with the laundry and it sat there for 4 days. You didn’t care, it felt so much like I no longer existed.
Moving my stuff was so hard for me to do, to dismantle a home I built for us, that’s why stuff was left in there for so long, if I at least saw a lamp it was still a home to me. You told me you’d let me know when you’d move your stuff so I didn’t come home to it being empty, you never told me that it was done, and I came home to a empty place.
I wanted us to be a family, i personally saw us as being in a relationship, even tho it wasn’t official and we were working our way up, I saw myself being a father to your daughters, especially when we were at the park and I was walking around and people were looking at me like I was a father, and I was hoping with the love and respect and support from you and the time it would take to recover from the stress that I could call them my daughters, my girls, and you at some point my wife, and you know that I rarely feel that, because I have a love for the 3 of you that no one on earth will ever have, I love you Asia in a very special way unlike anyone iv ever been with, I would have never done what I done for you and the girls if I didn’t, even if I was upset and overwhelmed, but you also broke my heart in a special way that I never thought I would experience. You told me a few months ago when I wanted to die so badly from everything that happened that I needed to find something to live for, and I did, it was you and the girls and my mom, that was it.
I will always remember the good times we had, I remember seeing you for the first time ever at your work, you had a huge smile on your face with your perfect teeth, our car rides together we took every other night, or putting your bed together at your new apartment and rubbing your tummy with baby Sarah bouncing around in it. I can remember myself as a happy person, always laughing, cracking a joke, making you smile, holding you tight in the bed and rubbing Eves back until we all fell asleep. Or when we first moved in and sat on the floor together that night touching each other and talking that first real selfie of us, or when you send me a picture of you and the girls when I was at work saying ‘see you when you get home.’ And I showed everyone at work, I loved it. And decorating for Eves birthday which I was very sad to miss. Taking you out on your birthday and giving you that neckless then going home and making love to you was the best things as a man that I loved and gave you.
The main thing I will remember is the small paragraph in a message you sent me in September last year which iv saved all this time because I never heard a women say something like that to me, you said “You deserve so much and instead of me telling you like your exes did that i hope one day you find an amazing woman who loves you.. Im gonna tell you that i am that amazing woman who loves you and im going to prove it. That is.. If you let me.” I took that step, and I did.
Besides my dad passing this is the second hardest thing in my life that I have to handle, I will feel this heartbreak for a very long time, if I hated you, all of this would have been easy, but it’s not, and it hurts every morning and every night at work, and that should tell you how much I love you Sarah and Eve. I hope that you are happy, and that you can find a good person who can take care of you like I did. But you will never find anyone who has the same deep love and care that I have for you and your daughters and the amazing life and family we could have had, that will never be. And I have to battle with that thought hourly, until I can’t take it anymore, which is unfortunate, because I’m already at that point. And I blame you.
At the end of the day, I know my intentions were good, and my heart was pure. I’m just a man, a man in crisis and grieving strongly, yet I tried so hard for you and the girls, and I’m proud of myself for that, I wish with all my heart that you were, I was just a man, who did the absolute best he could.