“When you’re gone, who remembers your name-
Who keeps your flame, who tells your story?”
You wouldn’t want me to do this. I know that. You wouldn’t want me sad and moping and emotional. We promised each other we’d be better than this. But here I am, 9 months later, and you’re still stuck.
You gave me the bear. You give me the dreamcatcher. I was allowed to keep them at the end.
It was good, though, wasn’t it babe? We had a good run. You made me happy and I to you. We were happy, we were enthusiastic, God, some days it seemed we were Gods. We answered to no one but ourselves, and with you, I was free. You released me of my anxieties and also somehow locked me in a cage with them because of your failures. But, I didn’t care. You didn’t care, that was one of your catchphrases. Not in a malicious way, of course – though in reality, you cared so much. You cared for me and took care of me. And I did my best to take care of you.
But we knew, even from the beginning, we were doomed. You had to go and start your life, and I held you back. Not on purpose, but our relationship did. You wanted to go and pursue your dreams, and while I had the same dreams, our dreams weren’t meant to be together. I remember once I talked about it, and you brushed it off – you never had any intention of keeping me, did you? And honestly I knew that, I think I did. But I kept believing, I kept hoping. A failure on my part.
You taught me what an innamorati is. In commedia d’ellarte, the innamorati is the trope character(s) who’s sole purpose is to love. They are the lovers who, no matter what, kept loving. You said you were a lover. And you said you loved. Love above all. And yet, you were the one to let go. You were the one to say my dreams have to happen, and we must end this. You are not the innamorati. But I am the innamorati’s fool – because even 9 months later, I am still fighting the knife you drove into my heart, and still fighting to be happy again. I am desperately clawing and begging the universe to be happy again. And the universe looked at me and said your suffering will make you good again. But I know that I’ll make myself good again, with everything you taught me.
The end. How was that? You took me out and offered ending dates, essentially. You’re a man of your word, and you offered to do everything we didn’t get to do. I said no, just give me one. So we did. We went to the site of our first date, we visited our favourite makeout spots – I danced with you. I held you. I kissed you. Don’t you remember? The promise we made to each other? The words aren’t ours, but I still kept my promise.
“When you’re gone, you know I’ll be waiting when you’re gone
We’ll be working hard but if we should drift apart, let me take this moment just to say – you’re gonna change the world someday.”
You are. You are going to change the world someday. And I know you’ll remember me, because I let you go, humbly and peacefully, (though with tears.) I let go, because I love you too much to be selfish and begging you to stay. I knew all along you would go, but I’m still glad for the time we had. Nearly two years. I just hope I’m gonna be happy again because you broke me. I’m swimming in a sea I don’t understand and every time I see lovers kiss, I drown again and again. It’s a peaceful sort of drowning, though, where I am seeing you again.
You wouldn’t like this. Me writing this letter. But also, a text is unkind. We are without each other now – it’s time for my heart to let you go. I wish I could say goodbye again and again. I wish I could live in that night for the rest of my life. But you wouldn’t want that for me. And ultimately, I know, I don’t want that for me.
Can you promise me something? Can you promise not to forget me? When you’re good and kind and you’ve done everything you ever wanted – can you make sure not to forget the girl who let you go so you could do it? Can you make sure to remember me, just a little, every time the sun goes down? All those kisses and hugs and intimacies we had at sundown – the sun still hurts me every time I see her leave the sky. Because I still remember you. And I don’t think I could ever forget you.
Goodbye seems inadequate. I’ll leave you with these words that are not my own. I’ve never been a poet.
“-I can say without any doubts
Everyone should learn how to love like you.”
See you around.