Dear David, I’m writing this only five days after we broke up, and I still can’t decide if the grieving process is easier since I knew it was coming. I will always respect your boundaries and understand that this wasn’t the right time for us, but god damn this sucks. From everything I’ve read, time is the only thing that will make things feel normal. I hope that is true. They don’t usually talk about how to deal with a breakup where you end on good terms, still fully, deeply in love, and in the same town. If you changed your mind and felt that you were ready for a serious relationship right now, I would return in a heartbeat. You’re my first thought when I wake up and my last before I fall asleep. It takes everything in me not to send a good morning and goodnight text your way.
I haven’t really talked about our breakup with anyone in person. The first time I said it out loud was when I told my parents. That was hard. Saying it out loud. I feel so fragile when I speak— like any thought of you can send me into a fit of tears. It makes me feel so weak, so stupid. I’ve known since last November that this was coming and I am doing everything I physically can to make this a clean transition, but you were my best friend, confidante, and support system. I used to go to you when I felt weak. Now it’s just me.
I put away our pictures and the gifts you’ve given me hoping that “out of sight out of mind” works. I deleted all the pictures off my phone and removed the heart from your name. I vacuumed every room we spent time in and washed all of my blankets you’ve used. It still hurts. You’re still on my mind. I can only hope you’re doing better than I am. The cliche of everything reminding me of you is true, but that’s because we did everything together. Nothing was off limits with us. You were an extension of me.
Anyway, I need to go to sleep. I hope you are in bed too. I love you. I don’t think I can ever stop loving you. And I miss you. I’ve always had a feeling that we were endgame. I hope I’m still right.
Your ex, Malia