J,

I feel pathetic. It’s been 9 months since we kissed and I’m still thinking about it. I wonder whether it would be different if I hadn’t been in lockdown this whole time. Mentally I’m still in March and there’s not much I can do right now to distract myself from my thoughts. 

Everything I wrote in that letter still stands. I still miss you and I’m still confused. But over time that confusion has been met with frustration. You pursued me to then reject me, lie to me, and gas light me.

I still have no idea what you wanted from our “relationship” and I still have no idea why you ended it. You told me you were too “busy”. Really? Did you really think I was going to accept that as a legitimate reason? Everyone in college is busy. I was busy. I was taking 2 lab sciences, conducting an individual research project, part of a sorority and working yet I was willing to find the time to be with you because I cared. You said you still wanted to be friends. Well the last time I checked, friends check in on each other when they know a family member has died. You trying to be the good guy by lying to me and letting me down easy actually hurt more. It was selfish! I made it clear to you that I blamed myself for things not working out and you went to no effort to stop me. I understand that I can be self conscious and need reassuring a lot of the time which can be annoying but it was as if you took advantage of that fragility.

I’ve gone over the night we kissed 100s of times in my head and thought of every possible way I could’ve hurt you, offended you, made you feel taken advantage of, ect. And if I did any of those things I am genuinely so sorry. I was so worried about whether you liked me or not that I held back when I kissed you so I don’t blame you if you felt nothing. I then rambled on about my (little) previous experience which probably scared you off. The truth is that for me to even let you in and open up even just a little bit about my family and my health is a huge deal for me. I haven’t trusted a guy enough to do that in a long time. I felt really overwhelmed and began to panic as I realised that I had trusted someone who just saw me as a rebound.

I got inside my apartment that night and burst into tears. I felt like an idiot for thinking you might have actually liked me. You proved the self-doubts I had to be true – that no one will ever like me enough to want to be in a relationship with me and that I’m not worth the time and effort it takes to truely get to know me. After all, it only took you 4 days to give up on me. 4 days! And here I am after having a crush on you since summer school last year, still thinking of you 9 months after we kissed. Pathetic!

I can’t image how hard it must’ve been having just ended a long term relationship but there were so many opportunities you had to tell me and instead you gave me false hope by saying we would make Friday sunsets our thing and that we would go to concerts together and you would come to my graduation. I asked you why you broke up with your ex because there was a part of me that hoped it had been a long time coming and that I wasn’t just being used to get over her. You told me you felt like you were holding her back from her college experience but it seems more like you felt she was holding you back from sleeping with whoever you want (which is fine, just be honest!). The thing is that had you continued to act like you cared about me for a few more weeks, I would have slept with you (if that’s what you wanted). That thought kind of scares me now. Would you have ghosted me then too? Would you write me off as a distraction?

I mean, I get it, you don’t want me. I suppose I wouldn’t want me either after I embarrassed myself in front of you and then continued to embarrass myself over social media and through obnoxious public interactions trying to impress you.

I wish I was the cool girl who fucked whoever because it’s fun but I’m not. I’m the girl who is self conscious about her body and who doesn’t have sex just to get off (I can do that myself). I need to trust someone before I sleep with them and I know that might be less exciting than a random hook up but it’s how I am. I’m also the girl willing to do almost anything if it means making someone I care about feel good, sometimes to a fault.

I feel pathetic! It’s been 9 months since you first made me feel used and prudish and crazy and inadequate and yet I still like you.

L