If ever…

If ever…

If ever…

Dear Pamela,

I hope this letter finds you well. How are you? How was your day? How’s your family doing? Does your dad still annoy you?  And did you ever complete your collection of those squishy things? How’s your school doing I remembered you took Chinese. I can’t help but laugh a little inside as I remember you would blurt out ming ze every time I said shen me?
It’s been 3 months since you broke up with me. I’m doing okay. The pills that the doctor prescribed me have been a pain in the ass and the new job is great. Picked up a new hobby building Gundams (I can’t help but imagine you just laughing with that big smile of yours calling me stupid, but it’s been teaching me to be patient and learn self-control) and I’ve been running every morning, been trying to quit smoking but that still proving to be a challenge and a work in progress. Just in case you were wondering, I doubt that you are, but I thought “eh, what the hell.” 

I was walking around northern and saw Wendy’s, I remember the black long-sleeve shirt you wore that day and how your hair perfectly complemented you smile only to have your kind eyes further make you even more beautiful than I could ever dream. I recall the order you made just spicy nuggets and fries.  It was also due to the fact we both love fries! Hence, I called you my hot potato! I couldn’t help but smile and feel butterflies inside. I remembered that night you asked me to help you look for parking, and you wouldn’t believe me when I said I can find you parking in the next block, and yet I was right! I remembered you asked me if I liked you. I said no. Only because I was afraid… afraid that my emotions and thoughts would drive you away but thought to myself I want to be happier and do something that made me happy for a change instead of putting others first. You once said that you didn’t want the fantasy to end, and since being together everything has been more colorful and the sun shined brighter than before. 

In the beginning, it was everything we had hoped for, never wanting to be away from each other for more than a second, waiting for the time when you and I could retreat into our own space and be alone together, our eyes filled with love and our touch was always more tender than the last. and we saw something in each other in a way complimented one another to a point where people would say that you were the lady version of me and I, the man version of you, but we also saw things about each other that we couldn’t tolerate. Fast forward and in midst of the pandemic you and I separated in different states, I remembered how we would have those nice moments, we would dedicate love songs for one another and play games through our phone, and the ugly moments. I never told you this, but that night in jersey. That was the best night I’ve spent with you. As you spoke those words in the back of your family’s car on that cold summer night it made my heart melt and it was then and there, I knew that it wouldn’t be the same, I’ve completely, hopelessly, and irrevocably fallen deeper in love with you.

As time went on, I started getting stressed and my mind a mess, I wouldn’t talk to anyone including you cinta. That’s why I would go on my ps4 and just try to get lost in my game. To try to cope, numb, and forget my worries and stress. I never wanted you to feel neglected and unloved, you said actions speak louder than words. my greatest mistake in our time together was being afraid, afraid of opening up to you because I thought to myself that you wouldn’t like me like this and that it would make you worry and push you away. You’re someone really dear to me and that I know as much to be true.
When we last spoke you said that I didn’t know you, but I remember you being a walking contradiction. You even told me that you would rather say the opposite of what you mean or lie because you don’t want people to hold your words against you. That remains true 
I am hesitant to express what I am about to say for my foolish pride does not allow it; I was devastated by our breakup. I cannot help but be disappointed, blaming myself for our separation. When my grandfather passed away, I longed for you, hoping that your emotional presence would somehow alleviate the pain. It is not my intention to demonize you, unfortunately, your absence in my darkest hour made me feel irrelevant. I even found out you tried to use my old employee discount at best buy at one point (that was after we last spoke) and even said somethings to other people (and on your IG live with sierra, recorded our last conversation), you even planned to drop off everything even the gift I got you the day after my birthday. You wanted to hurt me. yet despite all that I cannot find it in me to get mad or even treat you the same way you treaded me these past few months.
You said that you were hoping the good times outweighed the bad, that was the same for me too. You may not want to do anything with me anymore. I completely understand and respect that. I was hoping to be friends with you since we started out as friends and your “personal psychiatrist”, I always keep my promises so when you need someone to talk to or anything at all, when you feel so down or when no one else is there for you. Please, Pam, know that I’m there for you always. remember all the good we had and treasure them, remember me not as when you and I broke up but as the one who made you happy if only for a brief moment in your life. the time  Remember us as back then happy, brash, young, and very much in love. A quote from one of my favorite authors “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.” 
This is my wish for you, my dearest Pamela.  
“aku cinta paramu”
“mahal kita pam”



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