Almost two decades have passed since I fouled everything up. I still dream about you. In the dream, you reject me and still don’t trust me. I deserve it, I know. If you knew that I still think about it almost every day, 20 years later, I think you may realize I’m truly remorseful.  I wish, I WISH, I could go back in time and kick my own ass. I wish I could undo the pain, the betrayal, the letdown I caused. 

I want you to know, it’s all my fault. I know why I did what I did now. I was selfish, self centered and had no consideration for your feelings. You never deserved what I did. You were the only one who truly loved me. I did go to therapy. I found out I have adult ADD, yes, there’s a difference between adult and child ADD. It doesn’t change the choices I made. It doesn’t change I threw away 10 years of the best years of my life. It doesn’t change that I’ve never found anyone like you again. It doesn’t change that I’ll never find anyone as perfect as you or loved me the way you did. 

Yes, you have moved on, with ‘her.’ I’m sure you don’t think about me at all. It’s probably better for you at this stage in your life. You deserve to be happy, grounded and loved unconditionally. I had my chance, I blew it.  Selfishly, I always ‘hoped’ you’d try to find me and we’d try again. I know it will never happen. 

I won’t ever forgive myself, I’ve tried. It’s impossible. All I have are the memories I made with you. I hold on to them, since you burned everything else. Sometimes I feel it’s so unfair that other people get a second chance and I didn’t.  Then, reality hits me, they were my actions, my choices, consequences I deserved.

I have never forgotten you.  I never will. I wish you nothing but the best and happiness. You deserve it, more than anyone.