I don’t even know what to say

I don’t even know what to say

I don’t even know what to say

It’s been a week almost to the minute. I gave you everything and you left like it was nothing.
We met online. We communicated constantly. We became such close friends-I never had a bond with anyone like the one I had with you. I was not interested in dating immediately. I was taking a break from the wild world of relationships and you had not been out of a long off-and-on relationship for all that long. The more we spoke the more interested I became in you despite the fact that we did not even share a continent. I could tell you felt the same, but you were more reserved about it. I pondered whether or not there could be an us because of the great distance between and travel bans. It seemed so impossible but yet, if I know one thing it’s that if there is a will there is a way.

I shot my shot, and you shot me down with no hesitation. It would never work. I was hurt and disappointed, and you were so afraid that I would end our friendship, but I remained your loyal best friend. A rejection of a proposition to date is not a reason to end a friendship in my eyes. As we continued to communicate, you made it more and more clear that you were into me until finally, you made your move. I accepted your offer and we began to plan a course of action to close the physical gap between us. It took a lot of effort on my part and yours, it was not cheap nor easy, but together we navigated the course we had planned to get you here. When you arrived, it was pure bliss. We spent many happy days and nights hanging out, meeting my friends, going places, doing things. It was wonderful.

Hiccups occurred here and there, but my nature is to power through obstacles, and that is what I did. I took excellent care of you. I made sure that things were as well as they could be with the current circumstances.I cooked, cleaned, provided everything I could, and most importantly, I stayed tuned into you. Into us. I assured you that I would not leave you for your sexual issues. I assured you I was alright. I did not lie. I do not lie.

I was under a great deal of stress due to circumstances beyond my control. Life is a balancing act, and when things fall out of balance, it can get unpredictable. I waited on you hand and foot while also managing the household and finances, looking for a job, caring for my pets, and caring for myself. It was a real struggle, but life is not always easy. Stressors began to pile up and I was unable to process and cope with everything at once. I became cranky at times, but still despite this, I never blamed you. The same would have happened regardless of whether you were there or not.

I inquired about the way you were feeling about what we had planned to do because things were not feeling right. It was as if there was something you were not telling me. You told me no several times but I still had the feeling that was not true. You confessed that you had changed your mind about marriage. You were too young, it was too soon. I was shocked to hear such a thing, as we had mutually agreed upon everything many times in advance. I heard you out, and wanted to know why you hadn’t spoken to me about that. You admitted it was because you were a coward and did not want to hurt me. The argument had gotten to a point where it merged with my stressed and triggered a habit I thought was dead. Self harm. You showed concern and I appreciated it.

I had brought myself down from my emotional high and was not badly injured so we agreed to talk more. I assured you that the truth was always best, even if it hurts. We agreed to work on communicating. Upon talking more, you said that it was not the marriage itself you did not want yet, it was the ceremony. I told you that I had no intentions of having a ceremony until much later in the future at a time we both felt ready just like we had agreed to do. You had me believe that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. You said you wanted to go the path of marriage at the courthouse with a ceremony later. We moved past the disagreement.

With me looking for work and having tons of spare time, the drug we loved became something we did more often than what we should have. We had great highs and lows but the fact is it was expensive and tedious. We both knew it. We kept moving forward, and things seemed to be devolving into something that I did not like. I tried talking to you about it numerous times but you insisted that it was nothing. You acted like you were fine sometimes, and not others. It was hard to follow but something felt wrong. I stayed by your side, even when it hurt. I had another mental breakdown. I lost 2 relatives on top of everything else.

This time you flew off the handle and made me feel terribly for it. You also threatened to leave. The trauma, the pain, the shock and agony doubled because of that. Why would you ever do that to someone? That is disgusting especially because you have mental health issues too. Breakdowns happen. Pain happens. Life happens. How could you be so callous and yet say you love me? You took me to a therapist. I spoke to her and got a plan in order. I went to be with some friends that night because you were feeling sick and I did not want to be alone nor bother you while you felt sick. I had a great time, and when I came back I still felt that something was off. It just did not feel okay but no communication was made.

A third breakdown occurred, and this time you were so VICIOUS. You made the entire thing about you. It wasn’t fair that you had to deal with it. You shouted that I was ruining our relationship. You shouted why can’t I be normal as I tearfully broke down. You got more and more intense. I called my therapist…we communicated. She helped me calm down. I came back inside and tried to talk to you about what she said. She did not agree with what you did so you essentially told me that she was not a professional. I simply tried to explain but you had no intentions of listening. You gave me an ultimatum: stop breaking down or you will leave. I told you that was unfair and I could not rightfully promise that. Yelling ensued. You said you needed some space for the sake of our relationship. I stepped out of the room in tears.

You came to me calmly and apologized for yelling and shouting. I accepted, but words can only do so much. You admitted your ultimatum was unfair and that you as long as I made an effort to get my stress regulated it would be okay. You made me feel pathetic for working hard. You made me feel unworthy for giving 110 percent. You made me feel insane for having emotions. You made me feel helpless for struggling. I called a friend after we spoke. I needed a neutral party to vent to. You became enraged to learn that this friend of mine had friends who use a certain substance that NEITHER of us have ever touched. You ran around the apartment making a fool of yourself and told me if I went outside we were over. I felt like a hostage. My friend heard you. He wanted to kick your ass.  

At that point in our relationship you had done NOTHING to contribute to the household in any way. Your status in this nation made it unlawful for you to work, and I was fine with that, but everything fell on me. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, you name it. How fucking unfair. You were spending most of your time in bed lounging around on your phone completely detached. There were times when you would text me from what was our but is now my bedroom when I was in the living room to ask me to bring you things. It was like having a small child.

Despite this, I know how hard it can be to move and acclimate so I was patient. I was calm when I brought things to your attention. You agreed you had been slacking. You never stopped though, despite promising otherwise. Relationships are hard work. They are give and take. I gave you took I worked you relaxed. I gave you time. I gave you space. I gave you all the love in the world. I was not perfect, but I did my best. That is more than what you deserved. I pushed forward, you fell backward. You did not communicate much of anything to me. I was with a friend when I got several vulgar facebook messages from your account. I was skeptical that they were from you but I had no way of knowing considering how you were acting.

You were asleep, my friend took me outside for some air and space because I was hurt and confused. When you woke up I calmly asked what the deal with the messages was. You were confused. You read them and immediately claimed innocence. I was upset and asked if you had any idea what had happened. Then you blamed me for it. You accused me of sending you messages from your phone. I would never do that. I cried, and you dismissed me angrily. I called my therapist. She talked me through it. I told you I did not do it and how much you meant to me. You acted jaded. That hurt more than what you will likely ever know. The following days were up and down.

I landed and exciting new job. We agreed no partying during my working hours. You broke that commitment to me on day 2. I have my role in that. I could have and should have said no. I screwed myself over, but you should have not brought me into the matter. I grew angry with myself as I had to work the next morning. i grew angry with you also as you had promised me that you would take me in but then became too intoxicated to do so. I vented my frustrations about myself, the situation, and you. In your mind that was me taking things out on you something that you said I did often despite the fact that I ADMITTED to the things I had done wrong. I apologized for the few times I had been short with you before. I went to work.

2 days later, my world came crashing down. You see, you told me you were happy. You told me everything I wanted to hear. Then you told me via TEXT that we both knew it wasn’t working out, that you needed rehab and mental health care, that I had helped you out a lot and you were grateful for it, etc….and that you were on your way back to the UK. I broke. How could you pack your things while I was at work and fuck off as if I meant nothing? You said it was the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do but yet it looked so easy for you. You said you wanted to do it face to face, but that it was sparing us heart ache by doing it over text. What a load of shit. You are a coward. You are weak. You are boy with the age of a man. You are pathetic. You are the scum you promised you were not.

You cost me my job, my time, my money, my energy and my emotions. The minute you realized that running from yourself would not fix you, I had to clean up the shit you spread all over my life. You should have known running from yourself will not fix you. Had I known you were coming here to start over without being prepared to put in work I would have stopped you from coming. You initially refused to see me before you departed, but eventually you did. I met you near the airport. We spoke. You promised me friendship at minimum. You told me you needed your family, this was all too much for you, and that your head was not well.

I was disgusted and dejected.  I confronted you about the lack of tears…you assured me that you had cried your eyes out and had a panic attack earlier, whether I believed you or not. I don’t know if I do. You took a precious item with you and promised me friendship at a minimum and that I would see said item again, but mere hours later reneged your offer because I upset you by giving you a taste of your own medicine..and not even a full dose. The audacity. You tried to call me manipulative and hung up on me. A friend of mine called you and informed you that what you did was traumatic etc to say the least and that my reaction was rooted in it. You acknowledge that and spoke to me again.

I asked if you were heartbroken. You said yes. I asked if you were over us. You said no. I asked if you were still in love  with me. You said that wasn’t the right way of putting it. Seems like bullshit. Seems like you were plotting this because life is too hard to live when you don’t get all you want when you want it. I have not spoken to you since despite you promising me things. You blocked me for no good reason. I question who I was to you. I question a lot. It’s hard to tell whether you ever loved me or not. Life has no set timeframes but love does not die quickly nor easily. You are fucked up almost beyond redemption and I hope you never inflict that on anyone else. I don’t believe you’re in rehab. I don’t believe you’ve done anything except maybe try to get back with your ex at a minimum. I deserve better. I will have better. You should consider being better. I don’t care if you do.


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