Do you remember the day we came to check out our last apartment? Do you still live there? Does it still have anything left that reminds you of me?
I still remember the feeling I got the moment we opened the door. I wanted it right away. It was so cozy and bright with its blue walls and white furniture, so quiet, so close to my favorite street in Shanghai. I wanted it to be my home. I imagined waking up and going for coffee to one of the many coffee shops every weekend. I loved the idea of opening the window and seeing green trees. I was worried though that all our things (fine, all my things) were too much for it. Do you remember what you said to me? “Don’t worry, we just have to make it ours”.
It felt like a fresh start, like a step FORWARD to my dream of having a family coming true, like a step AWAY from the nightmare of us arguing and you hitting me and never saying sorry. All the bad things, bad memories were supposed to stay at the previous apartment. I so so so wished for you, me and the dog to be happy at that place. I guess it wasn’t meant to happen.
You know how it ended.
My walls aren’t blue anymore, there is no sight of green when I look in the window, it’s never really quiet. There is no more favorite street, only the area I don’t step my foot in because it’s physically painful to go back, to remember what I dreamed of and what will never happen.
You are not here to smile at me and tell me everything is going to be ok. You are not here to get angry and hit me in the head.
I don’t want to ask you that many questions. It took me 5 months but I think I found all the answers to why you were doing what you were doing. I am sure you made your peace with breaking my dog’s leg. I am sure you still think I am to blame for you being violent with me.
I want you to know how you made me feel. The last time we saw each other you told you wished we had never met, you wished our story never happened. I have been picking up pieces since then. You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like I won’t be able to achieve anything on my own. You made me feel like I deserve not to be loved. You made me feel like I deserve to not have any friends. You made me feel like I deserve to have no one on my side.
I wish you never said those words. I wish to stop being afraid that I won’t make it on my own. I wish to love myself one day.