To C

I have processed how connection can affect a person. I need you to know that I am not wanting to force my feelings onto you, I want to be able to express them to you. I fell deeply in love with you, I feel tied to you, I could start to mention all the clichés about soulmates and twin flames and my person kind of stuff but that is not my approach to life. Yes, I can say all of those things and believe them, in reality it feels much deeper. For that our relationship deserves to be honored. I need you to know that I do not hold or focus on anger. I made a choice to start immediately putting clothes in piles, to say that I want you to block me. It was the peace I needed in that moment to not feel swallowed by hurt and anger.

The me you saw the night I came was a person in crisis, I am not going to start making excuses. I wish they were better words to say that go deeper than I am sorry. I am so sorry. That is my own fault and contradicts the kind of person I strive to be. It was not right. I am getting help through counselling. My love for you felt and feels natural. As natural as any basic human thing. It is hard to put into words how deeply I love and feel connected to you, it is so powerful so here I am expressing that to you.

I feel impeded, it feels wrong, I feel stuck because of this feeling. I am sorry there were moments I struggled to express my feelings. Now there are so many ‘I feels’. In this moment of writing it feels like life is too short not to open this door. It is not simple to shift focus. Feelings do not work that way in my head. The connection that I have / had to you feels so deep and powerful, I struggle to understand how the connection can go away, in simple terms. I have learned that understanding is heavy. To understand something is such a basic human practice that not understanding is even heavier. The realization of these feelings is terrifying, I am scared. You were my best friend and my love will not change.


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