There is no amount of therapy that I can ever go through to make things right. I often question my motive and what my goal is in therapy and it remains uncertain. You come up often since much of what is discussed revolves around relationships. The thought of you is what kept me feeling protected and it’s remained that way for over twenty years. I know that it prevents me from addressing my real problems but not even the therapists know the extent that I think about you – I am to ashamed to admit it.
I sometimes feel if only I can get your perspective I would be able to finally understand and move on. Doing so is not allowed and I doubt would be welcomed anyway. It’s kind disgusting how I cling to the thought of you while leading an outwardly great life with someone else.
I’m well aware that you, as I knew you, doesn’t exist. I’ve been filled with shame my entire life. I’ll never forget how after what I did to you that you asked for my forgiveness. I can’t wrap my head around this. I adored you and cared deeply for your well-being. I saw myself as a burden in your life. I already proved you shouldn’t trust me. I did what I had to in order to make sure you could experience a happier life without my interference.
I hope you are.