You told me to leave you alone and not contact you when you left me, but I need to tell you this. I’m so disappointed with you. I’m disappointed that you left me in such a disrespectful way. I open up to you about my mental health, and you have the nerve to leave and try to ghost me days after? Absolutely disrespectful. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself for doing such a thing to someone who trusted you.
Clearly, I’m still thinking about you even though it’s been months since we’ve talked. You accused me of having romantic feelings towards you and said that you didn’t feel the same way. This next part is probably going to make your blood pressure drop. I know you lied to me and figured it out two months after you left. Yes, I know all about “Ginger Snap” and YOUR romantic feelings towards me. If you stayed around, we probably would’ve dated cause I was in love with you. Too bad for you though cause I don’t date liars. I don’t date people who lie about their emotions. I don’t date people who let their pride and ego get in the way from being open and honest. I don’t people who think it’s okay to not apologize for doing something so awful to their friends, and brush it off like it’s nothing. Were we even something? You play it off like it was nothing but you are lying to yourself!! YOU ARE WRONG. I could tell by your eyes and your behavior in bio lab after we split that I was your world. You were practically eye f**king me for three hours every Monday during bio lab. But on Tuesdays and Thursdays in bio lecture, you blew me off and, due to your pride, pretended that everything was perfect. Much easier for you to get wrapped up in the content from bio lecture than in bio lab, huh?
You think I’m finished with this? Ooo honey there’s more!! Over the summer, the day before my birthday to be exact, you made a playlist called “It ended” and how you wanted forgiveness. With all of these crappy excuses and your pride STILL not letting you apologize, forgiveness is not going to happen any time soon. Perhaps I could forget for a little, but not forgive.
Then we start our fall semester of sophomore year, and you are, of course, in the same chemistry lecture as me (we did have some chemistry between us). Like I did in bio lecture, I had anxiety attacks during chem lecture and even left the room at one point (just like in bio lecture) just to calm myself down, knowing that you were there. By the way, thank you for dropping chem lecture one month into the semester. I can focus on the lecture so much better now (so considerate!!). You even deleted that “Ginger Snap”, “It ended”, and 6 more playlists the day before reaching our seventh month mark of no contact. You delete these playlists thinking it’ll help you move on, but I know it’s not workingggg. I can imagine you nervously typing in my Instagram username using your (perhaps twin??) sister’s account (since you blocked me on yours) and stalking whatever new posts I’ve made of myself living my best life now that you’re away. I can imagine you listening to “Karma” by Taylor Swift and hearing the lyrics “Karma is my boyfriend” before excitedly typing those lyrics into your main Insta account trying to lie to yourself that you don’t need me (I have another account I can see it on).
Baby, let me tell you this. Did I regret our time together? No I don’t regret it at all. I did enjoy our time together and imagined a future with you. A life with you. You and I. Me and you. Us. It would have been great sweetheart. I told you this a week before you left that I didn’t plan on having a fancy wedding and would prefer a simple handshake. Not anymore. When I close my eyes, I can imagine us getting married at some sort of botanical garden or beach with gorgeous lights. And then when I fantasize about this, I usually go beyond our wedding day and imagine us being parents. Parents!! You know that I don’t intend on having any of my own, but with you, I would. We would’ve adopted a couple twins so we can get them matching outfits. Add in some pets and we could’ve been this family. It would’ve been our family. I’d work as a traveling physician assistant and you’d get to work with animals while we would travel the world and live our live freely. Not as often anymore, I cry thinking about our potential or when I’m just missing you and your touch. Your mind and your body and your soul. I want you to tie me in ways I cannot undo. I want to feel you on me and under me.
I don’t know what I feel about you. I know that you have wronged me so bad, I cannot forgive you and sometimes can’t even tolerate the thought of you. Some days, I hope that I don’t have to deal with these emotions and that you won’t talk to me ever again because of how upset I am with you. Other days, I want to hear your voice just talking to me like we did then. I want to hear your thoughts and that laugh of yourself. I fell in love with that girl you showed me in our bio 1 lab, not this cold and uncaring girl that I’m met with now.
Perhaps one day, we can make amends and learn to love each other again. If not, then maybe in another lifetime. I hope you’re okay and that you’ve been taking of your health. I’ve been taking care of mine like you asked me to, and took up your advice of journaling by writing down a long list of things I need to or should continue to do while I’m still alive. All tensions aside, thank you very much for your advice. I don’t know where I’d be without it. Also how are your classes? Are they tough? Do essays remind me of you? I know you read my paper back when we were getting to know each other, and honestly thank you so much for it. I’d type more cause I have a million more things to say but I can’t write them all. Maybe one day you’ll get to hear them.
Talk to you maybe??