It’s been 10 months since we broke up. I found this website and read some of the letters. It’s crazy how some people on here have been broken up 20 years and still remember their ex and feel enough to write them a letter. I wonder if 20 years later I will be one of them? Maybe I will write one every 10 years.
The strong emotions have mostly passed, but I still remember them and occasionally feel down or vulnerable. But it no longer affects me like it used to. At the very least, I’ve made progress. And I hope you don’t worry about me. I’m not sure if you even think of me at all, since I’m pretty certain you have a new girlfriend now.
I used to hope that we would meet again, but now I realize that there’s not much purpose. You’re a different person and maybe I’m a different person too. The point of time I used to dread so much, I have arrived at now. I think I learned a lot and gained a lot of insight about myself and areas of improvement through our relationship and break up. But sometimes, it feels like all of the time, effort and love I invested into the relationship is wasted – down the drain.
There’s nothing I can do about us anymore. I can only hope that my effort will pay off someday, in some way. Even if it is to prepare you for your ‘the one’ in the future. It hurts a little to know that I’m not that person, but I’ve come to terms with it. I hope that my effort will also pay off for me. I’m not sure how, but someday maybe.
It’s been so long that I don’t feel the same urge to be closer to you or to repair our relationship anymore. I also accept that the break up happened at the right time for good reasons (which I will hopefully understand more as time goes on). I know I tried my best, and I can only hope that my best meant something.
When we broke up, I was incredibly emotional, as expected. I was emotional for quite some time afterwards too. I tried to be understanding but it was extremely hard. The only regret I have is that I never got to thank you genuinely for everything you’ve done for me. During and after the break up, I did say thank you, but I wasn’t completely genuine. I just said it because I thought it was what I should say, especially at farewells. But now that enough time has passed, I can see the relationship more clearly.
You will probably never read this. But I still want to put this out there. So here goes.
Thank you for writing letters to me and making me so much good food. Thank you for listening to me cry uncontrollably on various occasions even though it must have been hard for you. Thank you for singing and dancing with me. Thank you for taking me to different places in your university city. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself and opening up yourself to me, even though your first relationship hurt you a lot. Thank you for taking me birdwatching – my time with you has reignited my interest in wildlife and nature. Thank you for the water bottle and hot chocolate powder, and taking me to a steak restaurant for my birthday. Thank you for saying ‘You can do anything’ and ‘I believe in you’. I now try to say this to myself and mean it. Believing that I will be there for myself when challenges arise helps me feel less scared about the future. Thank you for all the hugs and holding my hand, I rarely have this much physical intimacy with anyone else so it was nice to experience this, even if it was just for a while. Thank you for reading my multiple long messages trying to explain my feelings and replying to them thoughtfully. It must be so confusing for you too, as it was confusing for me at the time. Thank you for sending me photos to update me all the time and keep connected.
I didn’t know long-distance was so hard until I experienced it with someone I really loved. But I’m glad it was you whom I shared this experience with. Wouldn’t have wanted it to be anyone else. Thank you for making it possible. Even though we no longer talk, and I don’t know if we will ever talk again, I’m glad we have shared many wonderful memories. The hardest lesson I learned from this was that people can walk in and out of my life at any time for any reason. It didn’t scare me that much until I met you. But after you walked out of my life, I realised that maybe I can handle it. I’m trying to practise detachment, letting people come and go as they please, and just making the most out of our time together and being grateful for that. I don’t think I’ll ever not be scared of people leaving, but I can practise coping with it. Learning to love and take care of myself more.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to open my heart again. I do hope to have a serious relationship at some point down the road, but for now, I will try to work on myself. The relationship and break up brought out a lot of buried issues and baggage I have with my family and with myself. It was so difficult, but I’m glad they were brought out so I could see myself clearly and try to face them. I hope you also find time to resolve baggage and fears. Hope you spend this time to work on yourself. Even though the relationship ended, it wasn’t a failure. It was a success in many ways. Of course, it would have been nice if we could keep going, but maybe it was just meant to end at that time. And if you’re still struggling with guilt, I hope you will let go of it soon. In the end, it is not your fault, it is just how things are.
I wish you good health, a fruitful school life for the remaining time you have at uni, and a successful career. You are one of the most passionate and goal-oriented people I know, I believe the hard work you put into your career goal will be recognized and pay off as well. Please eat well, sleep well, work hard and play hard. University is one of the most transformative and special time periods in one’s life, I’m happy you are experiencing this right now. I’m glad I got to play a small part in the grand scheme of your life.
If someday you feel like talking again, please reach out. But otherwise, I wish you all the happiness, love, meaning and strength life can give.