This website gave me a lot of comfort through my heartache and sorrow knowing i am not alone in this and even some have been in the same situation as mine.
The end of this month will be a year. In july will be a year since i last saw your face. Boy! What a year it has been. We both knew this would happen but i never knew you would let me go so easily.
I know you’ll never read this because you don’t know about this website but this is for me, this is for me to read over and over again because i am so proud of myself how far i have come.
When i first met you and we both stared at each other i knew this would end bad, so very bad. I fell for you too quickly too easily but what i found out next i didn’t expect. You didn’t even apologise for lying to me. How could you look someone in the eye and just lie like that? It wasn’t even a white lie. But it was too late. We both fell hard, except i tripped and fell hard on my head as if i damaged my brain as well as my heart too.
Last year was such a blur too me i look back now and all i could see if flashbacks of how you could love me for a minute and push me so far away the next, the anxiety, the depression, how i would go to the bathroom at work and have so much anxiety to the point i felt like i could not breathe because i was felt as if i was choking on my own tears. I hated myself, the mental pain soon had a major effect on me physically, but you just thought i was poorly but you didn’t know why, i didn’t tell you why because i knew you would push me away more like you always did and i just could not deal with more emotional stress. I would smoke and smoke so much weed so i could feel nothing, so i could feel numb.
When i left, when you let me go i felt nothing? Caught the train home after work. Carried on till july as normal. The last ever time i saw your face when you walked down the stairs, i smiled just for you. I went home as normal. When i left work i felt nothing, i never shed a tear, when i thought about you it didn’t hurt i felt nothing.
But then 2 weeks later, i remember that day so clearly, i woke up thinking it would be a normal day i got out of bed and then i stopped and sat on my bed i said in my mind it’s over i’m never seeing you ever again i laughed out of unbelief but then it hit me hard right in the heart i’ll never see your face ever again, tears flowed down my eyes. The pain the anxiety i felt that choked up feeling again, i felt like i was dying for the second time, the way you killed me with your actions, i felt dead on the inside for a while and it was happening again.
The tears after a few weeks again turned in to anger, extreme anger, why did you tell me you loved me, i told you not to tell me you loved me! When you knew i was never yours i was never second nor was i third, why did you not tell me in the beginning you were a family man, why did you look me in the eye and lie to me when i asked you the same question over and over again are you married but you denied it so many times?! Did you even love me? Was this just a sick game to you? How far can you go till you break me completely? And then turn around and have the nerve to tell me i am a weak person? Luckily this anger and rage was for a few days.
I let the pain win, there was no point in fighting the pain it would just get worse. I had do delete your number it was time for me too be friends with the pain.
Some night i stayed up crying and praying for a miracle, some nights i lost my faith, most nights i stayed up wishing i was dead.
As the months flew by, the sunshine didn’t burn my eyes, the birds singing in the morning didn’t seem to annoy me anymore, the rain didn’t seem like sadness but a blessing. Am i over us? Have i moved forward? Whenever i think about us i don’t cry anymore? The things i used to resent i enjoy doing now. Love songs don’t make me have a breakdown anymore i can sing a long and i’m alright.
I have accepted you let me go without a fight, i have accepted we will never see or hear from each other again, what can only wait for so long till they wake up and realise it’s been a year. It’s been a tough year and i’m sure for you too. I remember you told me not to remember the memories of me and you, those memories seem so long ago now it’s hard to remember.
If love belongs to you and that person was written for you they will always find there way back no matter what! That is a fact. I know you will not read this but it is better for me to write you instead of him.
Whoever has read this till the end, if a broken person like me can pick myself back up and walk around as if i’m the luckiest habibi in the world, you can too. 🙂
Happiness is only temporary but so is pain.
I’m so glad the site has given you a refuge and that you’re coming out of the darkness now. Good luck for the future. x