I want to hate you for what you’ve done, but I still love you more than anything. You were my solace when everything was horrible in the world. But I’ve been jaded by our time together. I put you on a pedestal. I didn’t realize just how toxic you were to me. You wanted me to change who I was, you disrespected me constantly with little quips and disrespected my family behind their back. You aren’t the angel everyone thinks you are. You aren’t the angel I think you are. You cheated on me with Mike, a co-worker. You shit where you eat. I don’t even know the extent of what you did because you’ve been lying to me for God knows how long, maybe even this whole relationship.
I want to say you’ve manipulated me for the last time, but I don’t even think that’s true. Did you get some sort of perverse pleasure out of it? Did you enjoy knowing you broke me, another human being? A human being, who loved you unconditionally and even still, loves you because he’s so naïve, so absolutely enthralled by the idea of you.
I’m afraid because of what you did. I’m afraid I’ll never love again. I’m afraid that the next person I let into my life will hurt me just as badly as you have. I’m afraid to see you, to talk to you, to think about you; because it tears me in half. I miss playing with your hair, rubbing your back. I miss holding your hands in mine. I miss your kisses, your sweet laugh, your brilliant smile, and your little chuckles at my shitty jokes. I miss your good morning texts, and saying good night. I miss everything about you. But I am not responsible for what you did; I am not at fault for it. You hurt me. You’ve destroyed my happiness. You couldn’t love me for me.
You gave me false hope when you said “Even if we broke up, I’d need a study buddy so we’d probably get back together,” and I still believe it. I wake up every day hoping this is all a terrible nightmare. It disgusts me. I want to be with you but I know it won’t happen, and I know if it did I’d end up here again, or worse. I don’t even know if you really loved me, or if you just used me. Was I just a cog in your machine? I can’t sleep without smelling your hair on my pillow, I can’t lie anywhere without feeling you in my arms. I can’t hug anyone without feeling like I’m dying inside.
Every time my phone goes off I pray it’s you, my heart skips beats, but then I remember. I’m furious; I’m furious at you for cheating on me and then leading me on, and probably moving straight along onto him, like I was nothing to you. I’m furious at myself for failing us, for not trying hard enough, for still loving you even after all the shit you’ve dragged me through. I opened up to you completely, and I trusted you with my heart, my soul, my future, my secrets, my dreams and now I realize that I was so foolish. I thought about hurting myself, but I’m worth more than that. I’ve been through so much already that this has only made me stronger.
I am more than good enough. I see that now.
I feel like I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not my Little Duck. All I want is her back, even if she’s not mine, even if she’s with someone else.
I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re in my nightmares, you’re in my dreams, you’re in my head, and you’re in the sunlight, and in every car on the street. You broke me. If that was your goal you did it. Congratulations because I will never stop loving you. Everything will pale in comparison.
I love you Little Duck.