Curse that old dollhouse that used to stand in my back yard. That first kiss under the stars. It cracked that wall i built to keep my heart safe from this pain. Years now.. It still hurts. How pathetic. Almost like how we find a reason to do any “catching up” from time to time.. As we both hope to swallow our pride, own our shame, and dive deep into some honesty in hope that just maybe we still both care enough to be fools.
Damn that old car. The one everyone burned their names into. The one that drove us all over texas on our little adventures. Our midnight trips to the ocean. The sea of stars gleaming for eternity. It will always be there, shining benesth the moon. Like the memories. The good and the bad. The ones where two souls melted together, staining each other with a taste of forever. And the ones that tore us a part, making remembering regretting..
I remeber that day in the desert. My stubborn arrogant patience ran out.. And i did the same. Angry at the results.. Angry at the situation i was fed up with what my life was becoming and determinded to end that chapter at any cost. I saw my chance. My family was distracted.. I though you were too. I grabbed a pocket knife, cigaretter, and my lighter. I didnt think you saw. I slipped out the side of the house.. And ran as fast and hard as i could. I made it a block and you came out of no where and grabbed me. I just wanted to leave everyone. Take my chances. I hated all of you in that moment and i didnt care what hapened next. Angry that youd stopped me, i think i broke into tears. I try to dodge past you. I didnt want to explain.. I never thought about what you must have thought that day. Im sure mostly you just thought i was being an idiot. You were mostly right. I never realized how much you cared. How that must have hurt you.. But for the moment, when i was running.. When i though id make it unseen, vanished.. I felt something i hadnt felt since i got my freedom back from the government.. I felt in control. Free
. truly free. And i hated that you stopped me. You must have felt your own type of rage. This girl you love, that youd given your all to, would vanish in the desert.. Would throw you away along with her family. Just to risk her life with nothing in a strange place rather than turn to you. rather than try to fix it. One of many times i realized id done this, be it in other ways. I gave up too easily.. I didnt realize anything would have been possible.. The world would have been ours had i only realized what we had.. And let myself build from that rather than shut you out in fear of breaking my rules of survival.
That moment.. The one in which i decided what i had wasnt worth it.. The one i gave up and ran in.. That was me that whole time, wasnt it? Everything id survived until meeting you, all the bizzare and cruel messed up things id encountered in my short life conditioned me to survive with minimal scars. Dont let people get involved with my problems.. It complicated things. Never let them see you happy, gives too much hope for them to be a part of it. Never trust anyone or accept help or favors. Never be in debt of another.. Always keep a weapon around. Dont let yourself feel now, so you dont have to feel later.. So many unfair guidlines i lived by and you broke through them all. When things got too bad, dangerous, or risky i shut myself down so it woulnt effect me. At some point i put you in that category and fell into old ways. I fought myself on that more than youll ever know. I caught myself wanting to love you right, to let you in my heart. And i tried to let it happen.. I was terrified.
You deserve the best in life.. No one will ever know your patience like i did. Nor will they know that youll always have a piece of my heart. If not for all that we went through i may very well be afraid to let myself feel the things i do. Good or bad. My deepest regret was that you never got to experience the person hiding behind all that. Thats the sad part of it all.. The part of me that will always love you, will also always be a heartbroken little mess. For all that was, will never truly be. I think thats why these memories haunt me. Theres millions ill never forget. Our first beach trip.. That horrible coast guard that wouldnt let us sleep, even for an hour sheltered from the cold sandy night air. Being a gentlemen you and the guys slept on the car while the rest of us slept inside. Or that time i threw up on that christmas tree just because everyone wanted to smoke.. Why was it even there? Or that time you had a seizure playing that game in my house. You got so mad everyone was laughing.. We thought it was part of the game. I still feel bad i didnt realize and try to help you. I remeber when my sleep walking got bad.. And we would both wake up confused.. Doing all sorts of bizzare things.. Sorry. I remember so much. Sometimes i wish we were advanced enough to erase certain things from our minds.. Perhaps i would erase you. Knowing well never make good on that little lie we told each other about trying again some day and doing it right. Honestly we would both have to be overly courageous fools to even get to that point. Pride and shame will always be in the way. What we had was beyond flawed but more than amazing. Had i had the sense to put everything aside and be true to myself.. Who you deserved of me, we would have been perfect. I can own up to that.. Where we are now being all my fault. This long winded letter being my way of owning up to that. I couldnt do this directly. Not knowing where your at in life.. Or if youd even care to listen. Just knowing that today.. Someone reminded me of you.. And rather than bury that somewhere in my subconscious id get some of those memories out and return to my life as it was.