It’s been 5 months since we last talked. I know I shouldn’t have texted you on New Years, but seeing you at the train station really made me think about you. It’s been over a year now since. Things aren’t quite exactly the same. You used to be the one having a hard time and now it’s me.
I just can’t keep up anymore. I’m really trying I am. I’ve put too much on my plate you see. I tell people this and they just say to take something off. But you wouldn’t say that to me. You’d understand why I do it all. You’d laugh and say, “what do you mean you can’t? You can do everything!” I wish you were here to hold my hand and tell me everything’s going to be alright.
I never really recover. I didn’t give myself time to be upset. I just pushed. But now I can’t do that anymore. You see, now I’m crashing. Everything’s coming down, my grades, my health, my energy. I’m really not doing well. And I think about you a lot. Probably more than I should.
Things weren’t good between us last year. You held me back when all I wanted to do was run. I was there when you needed me but I couldn’t do everything. And now, when I’m on the other side, all I want is you to help.
I’ve had a couple flings since then. I went a little wild. I started hooking up with this kid as soon as we broke up. He was a bad kid though. I knew from the start. But he was charming and handsome and knew what to say. But things were bad. I let myself get swooped up in it. I ignored the warning signs. But then it got worse. I was being emotionally abused. Then I was sexually assaulted. It didn’t sink in until he said he wouldn’t help me in a time of need. That’s not the kind of friend I want.
After him I took a break, sorta went my own way. Then I met charming part 2. He was sweet he was cute he was so into me. And then it dwindled. He didn’t want anything serious and wanted to be on the hook up scene.
You know how good I am at getting attached. So quickly and hopelessly I fall in love. I remember one day you said after we broke up that I’ll never find anyone who will love me as much as you love me. Only now do I know that’s true. You loved me for who I was. A bright and excited little girl ready to take on the world.
But sadly that’s not me anymore. I wish it was. I’m just not excited about life anymore. I can’t do this. I’m not the little girl I was: fearless and smart. I’m not intelligent here. I’m just a little girl getting hit over and over again.
I just wanted to say thank you. I know I shouldn’t be talking to you and shouldn’t use you as my crutch. You’re my safety blanket and will always be. No matter how far I run I’ll always come back. I just wish that it wasn’t this hard to talk to you. That a little part of me wishes that things were okay still.