Still think of you

Still think of you

Still think of you

Dear TSS,

Why after two decades are you so much in my thoughts lately?  You always have been over the years.  Who forgets the first person they were in love with? Usually though it is a dream where I have wronged you in some way and am trying so hard to get forgiveness – I never get it in the dream.  In life, I know how happy you are so maybe if we did talk you would say it worked out for the best.  
I think part of it is having heard your voice so much this past year due to covid.  Or maybe it is because I am fifty and looking back at things.  Hard to look back when you were part of seven years and so much of who I became.  I would have never made it with out you.  
All of this even lead me to recommend a book to my current club, The Midnight Library, where the character gets to look at all the paths not taken.  What would have happened if you had ended things at two years like you wanted to?  Instead, we went forward for five more.  Some were great.  Some were messed up and so back and forth I am sure everyone around us was just sick of us.
We were in a great place when I moved.  I had to go and finish something that called since I had left a long time ago.  Maybe to prove to my Dad or maybe to prove to myself.  Once I was settled I kept asking you to come.  I said I would support us.  It would be hard.  But we would be together.  You kept putting it off.  Was it fear of leaving or just not faith in us?  I don’t know.  By the time you thought you were ready I had lost faith.  I told you to wait until all the upcoming events were over, because I didn’t know how to say I just didn’t think we would make it.  
Then DB came.  I got to show off my city like I had wanted to do with you.  I got to talk and live the adventure of a place I loved.  I was with someone who also waned the adventure and I started to fall in love.  It was crazy and fast.  I was giving up you and a lifetime for something unknown.  We talked, but you never drove out when we were not drunk or hungover to have a face to face conversation.  I think deep down, you loved me, but didn’t want to leave.  I wish I had handled things so much differently that you were not hurt so much by me.  I hope it helps to know that have a good laugh in my dreams for many years.
So that brings me to now.  You are happy.  The updates I get from DB over the years make me happy and hurt at the same time.  I have always wished you well and I bet if Dr. Who showed up there is a dimension where we made it.   I am hoping that writing this down will get you out of my brain for a while.  I nearly asked to friend you on facebook the other day and that would not work.  The part that still loves you needs to be tucked away.  Stay happy and I am sorry.


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