I wish I reacted to you breaking up with me differently.
I wish I said ok. I wish I told you that this is exactly what I was afraid of. I almost broke up with you a week into dating. I don’t know if you caught onto that. When I was crying one night and couldn’t tell you why it was because I realized I was falling in love with you. I realized you might not feel the same way about me. I realized you felt this exact same way before and it wasn’t enough for you. I realized I was insecure and that you didn’t know how to make me feel better. I hated it. I hated how happy I was because I knew that could all be striped by you. You had so much power and control over my happiness.
From the start, you knew how scared I was. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me. A week before we broke up, I told you I was still scared about breaking up and that fear didn’t go away. You were acting distant and cold. It was driving me crazy. Nothing was going to get better when you treated me like the burden I never wanted to be.
When I decided to trust you, I decided to stop trusting myself. I decided that the fear that this wouldn’t work out— that being vulnerable was just inevitable disappointment— was self sabotage. The truth is, trusting you was self sabotage. I promised I would never go anywhere. You made the same promise. I should’ve always trusted myself over you.
I told you why I was scared of a breakup. Did you ever listen to me? I told you about how I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder. Did you look up what that was? Did you look up how breakups affect people with it? I should’ve made the decision to walk away the second I realized how much I didn’t want to lose you. Or the second you never followed up on me telling you these things. That’s when I realized you never truly listened to anything. You would never ask me if I was ok the next day after I told you something, even after I told you that upset me. When I told you I didn’t want to tell you these things because I didn’t want you to look at me differently, you told me you thought “I was the epitome of everything good in the world.”
I think we have very different values. I hope you realize one day how caring I am. I wish you realized what It means to love and care about people. I wish you got off your high horse and asked people how they were. Start with your brother and then maybe me. After everything, if you texted me and said you needed help I would drop everything. Not to get back together. But because I care about you. When I texted you that I needed help you said “I can’t be the help you need anymore.” I think that’s where we are very different. Once I care about someone, I always will. No matter how much space I think I need from you, if you needed help I would be there for you. Even if it’s as a friend. You can set boundaries with someone if you communicate.
I wish I let you walk out that door and then never contacted you again. I wish I found this website earlier and wrote out all my feelings instead of bombarding your phone. I wouldn’t hate you as much if I did that. It’s hard to realize the kind of person you truly are, after I spent a year loving you and putting you on a pedestal.
I wish you never answered any of my messages and fed into me. I wish you didn’t breadcrumb me asking if I was mad at you. It just gave me the fuel to continue reaching out. I never got what I wanted, but I always got a response. Why?
I wish you took accountability for all the pain you’ve caused me. I wish you realized how this breakup should be different that a normal one. I wish you realized why space isn’t the answer for me. I wish you realized how much you were bringing into my life and how much you took away when you left. You’re only thinking of yourself right now. Sometimes it’s ok to be selfish. But, did you ever weigh the pros and cons for both of us? Or just yourself?
I wish I could say these things to you. But, you’re too stubborn to ever realize your imperfections. You’re too stubborn to understand what loving and caring about someone is.
Even after everything, I love you. I love you even though you have caused me unimaginable pain. I don’t understand how loving someone could be this painful. I always knew love and hate were parallel emotions. I never understood love or hate until I met you. I can’t tell if I simultaneously love and hate you, or if I love you unconditionally despite how much pain you caused me.
I deserve an apology. Truly. But, I’ll never get one. I guess I wish I reacted to the breakup differently. But more importantly, I wish you treated me differently. My actions are a reaction to something you did. I’m not saying my reaction has been warranted, but it’s still a reaction.
I wish we could be friends. I wish I didn’t still love you and wish you could make everything better. I wish we never dated. I used to think loneliness was a heartbreak of its own. But, that’s not true. I’d rather have been lonely my whole life than be abandoned. None of it was worth it because now I feel worse than before I met you.