Ruby, it’s me. Antonique. Remember when I told you that you were my one and only, the first person I had fallen completely in love with? I meant that. I told you I would never leave you, and that I wouldn’t ever date anyone else after you.
Turns out, that was true. I tried to like someone else, I tried to gain a crush on this guy in my Spanish named Adrian. It worked for a bit, but I kept thinking of you. When he looked at me a few days ago, I realized I didn’t want him to be the one to walk me to classes, or to sit on the phone with when I got sick. It’s bad, because I carved your name into my skin again. I miss you, and I hate it.
You told me you wouldn’t leave me, and you went and fucking stabbed me in the back. You said you never loved me or liked me, and that I was annoying. You said you were only with me so I wouldn’t kill myself. Why get with me in the first place? You were my only reason for being alive, Ruby. I just want you back. We can start all over, I’ll continue dealing with the yelling, guilt tripping and gas lighting. You were a red flag, I knew that. I lied and told my friends you’d get better. I tried to make them like you, when they warned me that it would go downhill. I thought they were the ones hoping we failed, but in your eyes I don’t think we ever had anything to lose.
I’d take you back, even after everything you said, and all of the ways you broke my heart, the ways you made me cry because I thought that we were going to be done. I wish on all of the stars in the sky, all of the 11:11’s.
I told you I only wanted the best for you, and I meant it. I told you if you thought leaving me was best, then you should do it. I convinced you too many times to stay with me when you got into the topic of breaking up. You just didn’t want to be with me anymore, and as much as I hate it, I had to learn to accept that.
I would’ve done anything for you, Ruby. I’m yours, and you’re mine, always and forever, remember? You said you hated me for letting you get attached, but you weren’t attached.
Maybe it was me. Maybe I was going too slowly, maybe you wanted someone a little older, more mature. You got a new boyfriend the day after you broke up with me. We were on and off for a long time, and I never went behind your back or lied to you, even when you cheated, when you accused me of cheating, when you started rumors about me to your friends, making fun of me.
Being with you was a rollercoaster, Ruby. Which sucks, because on rollercoasters I hold on tight and shut my eyes, hoping not to fall off with all of my power. I was holding on too tightly to you, so I was blind when we fell off, and I was shocked that I was still alive after I touched the ground. I want to forget you, I wish I could take back everything I ever told you, every secret I shared, every fear I admitted to having, all of the love I gave you.
I don’t regret it though, because I know you needed it. Even if I didn’t get anything back, I still wanted to help you, and I hope I did. All of the times I held back my tongue and didn’t say what I wanted to, because I knew that you’d be mad. Still, maybe if I had been more mature, if I had loved you a little less or a little more, if I wasn’t pushy, or maybe I was more pushy, then we would’ve worked out. I wish we had, I wish we could have so much.
But we’re both human, and we’re both imperfect. You have your flaws, and I have mine. I love all of yours, I love all of you, and shit, do I wish that I could stop.
I’m sorry, Ruby. I’m sorry for letting you fall through my fingers when I could have tried harder to stop it from happening.
Always and forever,