It has now been 6 years since I walked out on you, after having given you 21 years of my life, all the love I had in my heart, in my body, in my soul. After having given you a family, a home and having got so little in return. One day I could not take the emotional abuse anymore. No, you never hit me but you hurt me by ignoring my feelings, by ignoring my needs, by ignoring my dreams , by denying my individuality and I still carry the scars. Most of the time I forget that they are there but sometime, just a little bump from life makes them bleed again. When it happens in my head I play Peggy Lee’s song:
You may be sorry
For what you’ve done
To my poor heart,
And you may regret
Those vows that you’ve broken,
And the things that you did to me
That made us drift apart.
Oh, you’re happy now,
And you can’t see how
Those weary blues
Will ever come to you,
But as you sow,
So shall you reap, dear,
And what you reap
Will gonna make you weep,
Before leaving I tried to make you see that you had to face the void you have in your heart which made you unable to love anyone else, which made you feel superior to everybody else but you did not have the courage. You preferred to hit out at me and to rush out to find the new partner who would prop up your ego. And with all charm, you easily found one: it only took you a few months to draw a line across 20 years.
So now, you have another child, another family, another home. You have always been good at creating the facade of happiness but I, of all people, know what hides behind it: your heart of ice, the constant striving to control, control every body, everything….
So I don’t miss you but sometimes I still feel the pain of betrayal: how you never said that you loved me, how you never said you were proud of me, how you never said you found me beautiful, how you never ever asked me to stay…
This is my pain. I am responsible for it, which is why I will not show you this letter.
I write this as a plea to the universe. Please, it has been long enough. I have learned what I needed to learn. Take my pain away now and let love come back into my life.